Chapter 12

"I don’t believe this shit," Paul muttered under his breath as he paced the kitchen floor a moment later. "That son of a bitch was supposed to rot in jail for the rest of his life, but instead he gets the fuckin’ easy way out, while she has to carry this around for the rest of eternity!"

"Separation from God is not ‘the easy way out’ baby," Tess interjected, but Paul was quick to cut her off from finishing the thought.

"He already had separation from God," He growled angrily, "He dies an accused man instead of a guilty one!"

"But we know he was guilty, Paul, and so does God," Alex tried to soothe, "It’s not important that anyone else know it."

"It’s important that Monica know it!" He snapped, hating the fact that his wife flinched, but unable to deal with it at the moment, "She feels guilty as hell about the whole damn thing and that fucking trial we held here last week certainly didn’t help her in questioning herself! Now she will never get the satisfaction of hearing the judge say that the bastard is guilty, so where does that leave her? It leaves her blaming herself, because she has run out of people to blame!"

Andrew had been listening to the exchange, his jaw clenched, hearing what Paul was saying and knowing it was the truth. He also knew that he had to get to Monica before despair claimed her once more, "I’m going to talk to her."

"Andrew, don’t," Alex reached for his arm to stop him, "She needs a little time to take this in-."

"No," He was shaking his head the moment she had started speaking, "Time is only going to cause her to pull away, and she’s worked too hard coming out of the shell Grady sent her into to be plunged back into it." He saw Tess start to argue with him as well and he held up his hand to stop her, the look on his face alone silencing her.

He barely knocked this time before he opened the door and walked into her room and froze at what he saw. Monica generally avoided the closet, due to the full length mirror that hung inside of the door. Her clothes were usually draped across the chair and if she needed something, she had been asking him to retrieve it for her. He never questioned it, especially at first when the bruises on her face had been so prominent and once they had healed, he had assumed she was just trying to make him feel useful.

But now she was standing in front of it, staring at her reflection with tears streaking down her face. Her expression was both broken and disgusted and he felt his heart pounding in his chest. She never took her eyes from her own reflection when she whispered to him.

"How can you look me at me? All you can see is what he did and now you’ll never even be able to hear the truth…"

In the time it took her to say those words, he was at her side, firm hands on her shoulders as he turned her to face him, but much to his dismay, she turned her face away from him as if protecting him from seeing the distorted image of herself that she was seeing.

"I don’t need a jury to know the truth, Monica-."

"But maybe I did!" She cried out bitterly, "Maybe I needed to hear it…I know I needed you to hear it!" She tried to wretch herself away from him, but he held on fast, "I was in a bad part of town in the middle of the night, dressed in my ‘working clothes’! I was asking for it! William Grady said I was and the prosecuting attorney would have said I was!"

"No! Don’t you dare believe that! I’m not going to let you believe that! You were not there that night looking to get hurt-."

"Raped, Andrew! Everyone keeps calling it ‘hurt’! I didn’t sprain my ankle; I was raped! Being hurt would heal, but this doesn’t and it never will! It’s over for William Grady, but it isn’t over for me! Did he even repent? Was he even sorry before he died?"

Her voice contained the smallest shred of hope and for the first time in his existence, he considered lying to her, but he knew he couldn’t, "No. He didn’t ask for forgiveness."

Her head still turned away, she pressed her lips together to ward off a sob, as she tried to blink back tears. "So he never even admitted to doing something wrong and any guilt he may have been feeling died with him, but I wasn’t allowed to die, even though I wanted to…at times I still want to, because I don’t know how to exist like this!"

Her words about wanting to die cut through his heart like a dull edged knife, "You’ve been doing fine, angel! Better than fine-."

"You’re seeing what you want to see, Andrew! What I want you to see, because I feel terrible that you feel so badly about what he did! Every sympathetic glance reminds me and it’s easier to pretend I’m getting over it, then to constantly see that he raped me in everyone’s face!" She closed her anguished eyes and a sob escaped her throat as her voice dropped to a whisper, "I must be such a disappointment to all of you…"

"No!" His voice was shaking and he felt tears in his own eyes at her words of self loathing, "You never disappoint me, Monica! Never!" When she still wouldn’t face him, he removed his hands from her shoulders and took her face firmly into them to force her to look at him, "Yes, he raped you, raped being the operative word here. You didn’t consent. You fought him as hard as you could. This is not your fault, no matter what you may think." She was trembling and unable to stop her tears and he longed to just hold her until she believed what he was saying, but he knew that there was more she had to hear and more importantly, believe. "Now I cannot pretend to know how much it hurts you, though I see it in your eyes each and every day, but I am certainly not disappointed in you. What the hell would I have to be disappointed about? You did all you could to prevent this from happening and you have nothing, nothing to feel guilty about. I want to help you, but the first thing you have to do is to quit hiding how you feel for my benefit! Damnit Monica, stop asking so much of yourself!" He watched as she blinked to try to clear her eyes, but her efforts were in vain and he lowered his voice, "You cannot hide from me, angel, no matter how much you want to. You’re a part of me and there isn’t anything Grady could have done to you to change that."

Monica closed her eyes briefly, feeling his pain for her in her heart for the first time since this had happened. She had closed it off, just as she had the rest of herself. Opening her swollen eyes, she whispered sadly to him, "We’re still connected, but I don’t understand how you can want to be connected to me anymore, Andrew…not now…"

"Because with everything in me, I love you, angel. Do you hear me? I love you and no matter how hard you fight against that fact, I will fight you just as hard until you believe it in your heart and trust me, sweetheart, you cannot fight hard enough to make me feel any differently. I’m not going to let you push me away because you see something in that mirror that no one else sees when they look at you. Do you understand what I’m telling you, Monica?"

He held his breath as she searched his eyes, hoping she would not fight him and that she would lower the last of her defenses. The moment was so quiet, Andrew could hear both of their hearts pounding, seemingly sharing one beat, but he was not letting her go until he had an answer that satisfied him.

Her answer didn’t come in words, it came with her throwing herself into his arms and holding on tighter than she ever had before and he felt himself almost knocked to his knees when he suddenly felt her open up the closed in places in her heart. Fear, doubt, pain, humiliation and shame all boiled up from inside her and passed directly into him, but above it all was a feeling of love so deep and trusting that it could allow such openness. That love was what nearly made him stumble. The rush of overwhelming feelings was gone a minute later, and he knew that she had locked them up again, as much for her own sake as his.

"Do you still feel the same way?" she whispered.

He held her even tighter and closed his eyes against the tears that threatened. "More, angel. I love you even more."

"If I forget, will you keep reminding me?"

Unbidden a tearful smile burst upon his face and he kissed the top of her head over and over again. "I will never stop reminding you, Monica. I will love you forever."

"I’m sorry that I keep needing to hear it," she blurted out.

"No, baby, no, don’t say that. You deserve to hear it. Every day, and for the rest of your existence."

They stood holding each other for a long time, with Andrew continuing to stroke her hair and hold her close. She was trembling in his arms, the emotions getting the best of her, but she stayed nestled in his arms, feeling protected and truly safe for the first time in a very long time. He knew her heart and he hadn’t even flinched. That realization kept running through her mind. He would never leave her. He loved her. He believed in her. All of those thoughts were like a drug that made her heart pound even harder than it already was.

When they finally broke apart, Andrew guided her to the bed and sat down, opening his arms to her. She was curled within them a second later. His steady breathing calmed her but she could tell that he had something to say, and her eyes remained open and alert. When his words finally came, she wasn’t surprised.

"Monica," he said slowly, "have you really just been pretending to feel better?" He hated to ask, but he needed to know even though he dreaded the answer.

He watched as he expression turned pensive and her fingers started plucking at the quilt that covered her. "Sometimes," she answered at last.

"Do we—do I really make you feel like you need to?"

"I don’t know," she answered truthfully, "I just know that I feel so guilty sometimes… you’re all here trying to help me…"

"We’re trying to help you get better, not cover up your pain."

"But sometimes the pain is so strong that I don’t want you to see it."

"Monica, that’s when you need to let it out the most."

She was quiet for a minute before speaking again. "Yesterday, when we were watching movies and we were all cuddled up on the sofa, and Alex and Paul were in that big chair, I felt so comfortable… so happy." She fell silent but he knew better than to push her. "Then, I don’t even know what happened, but it all came rushing back to me and I wanted to scream and cry and hide somewhere, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t let you all see that." She looked up at him, "And you were so proud of me. I could tell. You were so glad that I was out of my room and talking and laughing, but inside I was crying so hard I couldn’t breathe."

A gentle hand against her cheek guided her head down to his chest. "Monica, I am always proud of you. Even if you stayed in this room all day, every day, I would still be proud of you, just for being you. Maybe we have been pushing you, but we aren’t pushing you to forget, or to pretend you feel something that you don’t. When you feel that kind of panic, or even if you suddenly feel like you just want to curl up somewhere, that’s when I want to help you the most."

"But it shouldn’t be this way… I should be better by now, but it feels like I never will be"

"No, angel… you shouldn’t be ‘better’ by now. I think you’re expecting more from yourself than we are. But it’s not going to last forever either."

"I wish I could believe that."

Andrew closed his eyes and swallowed hard against the anger that had suddenly bubbled up in his chest. The man who deserved it was already dead, and the little angel in his arms certainly didn’t need to deal with it.

"I’ll make you believe, Monica. Just give me a chance and I’ll make you believe."

*****

"Paul, honey, stop pacing," Alex said as she lifted her coffee cup to her mouth.

"I can’t help it." He looked at her apologetically. "He’s been in there a long time."

"I’m sure Monica had a lot to say," Tess reasoned.

"Yeah… yeah, I guess," he said agreed, but mentally he was wondering if Andrew had let slip about his feelings. He felt his jaw tighten as he considered that possibility. The last thing Monica needed was to deal with that on top of everything else. He found himself unaccountably angry at his friend every time he thought about what he’d told him. It was similar to how he’d felt when he’d caught Andrew and Monica hugging for the first time, but this time it wasn’t jealousy he was feeling, it was protectiveness. He had a feeling that if Andrew tried anything, he’d do his best to break his arm.

Chapter 13

There were definite changes over the next few days and Monica made note of each and every one. No, her sadness, grief and shame did not miraculously disappear once she had allowed Andrew to see into the darkest recesses of her heart, but she knew that he now fully understood the things that were going on inside of her. He had felt what she had been so afraid to show him, and his understanding was helping her more than anything else had so far.

If anyone had told her before that her relationship with the angel of death would deepen, she wouldn’t have been able to believe it as the bond that they had shared over the years had been one of the most amazing things in her existence. But now, in light of what she had shown him, the most incredible relationship of her existence seemed to move to another level entirely. Where before he had been fiercely protective, now she could clearly feel his love for her wrapping itself around her heart constantly, never for a moment letting her forget how he felt about her in the event that she were to doubt it.

He knew that what she had had shared with him, she was not willing to share with anyone else. Though she dearly loved Tess, Paul and Alex, it was just not something she could ever explain, nor did she want to. Her level of trust with Andrew was like no other, and the baring of her soul was something she could only permit him to see. She had entrusted him with it, and he in turn had treated it preciously.

Each night when she would lie in his arms, she would pour out whatever rested heavily on her heart at that moment and where he couldn’t take it away, he listened, allowing her to feel exactly what it was she was feeling before he gave her any number of reasons he did not see her as she did herself. The moments during the day, when the sadness would hit her at full force, even as she made herself smile for everyone else’s benefit, Andrew would quickly pick up on the look in her eyes and the feeling he was getting from her heart and would find some subtle way to get her away from the others so that the pent up emotions could be released and not hidden. The freedom to be able to cry in his arms without abandon, or to simply hold onto him as tightly as her arms would allow was a gift like no other she had received since that horrible night in that dark alley. Andrew was giving her part of herself back simply be being there and by saving her from herself and while she found the healing process exhausting, she knew that finally parts of her were healing. The road ahead still stretched out for miles before her, but she knew she would not be walking it alone.

*****

"Paul, Monica and I are heading into town for the afternoon. You and Alex want to join us?"

The question came as a shock to the agent and he looked at Andrew in surprise, "She is willing to go into town? She hasn’t left the farm in nearly a month other than to go riding with us."

"I planted the idea in her mind three days ago and she did resist at first, but today it is all her idea," He grinned and Paul could see that his friend was pleased with the progress the little angel had been making. He had been worried last night when Tess had been called away on assignment, but Monica had seemed to take it all in stride and that came as a great relief.

"Are you sure it isn’t too much too soon?" He was still worried. It hadn’t been a week yet since the news of Grady’s death had nearly bowled Monica over and he was hesitant to take her out of what had become her comfort zone, "I mean, she still has the occasional day where she won’t leave her room."

"Yes, but those days are now just that, occasional," Part of him wondered if Monica was indeed trying to push herself, but with himself, as well as Paul and Alex with her, she should have no reason to feel afraid. He wanted her to test her wings, so to speak, amongst other people, but he had waited until she was ready enough to revisit the subject with him, "So, will you two join us? It could be good for her."

He was still skeptical, but a moment later, the little angel emerged from the hallway and into the kitchen. She was dressed as they had grown accustomed to seeing her, an oversized shirt overtop what she was wearing, but there was a smile on her face, though it was slightly nervous.

"Are you and Alex coming with us, Paul?"

Her expression was so hopeful that the agent immediately gave up any thoughts of argument as he grinned at her, "Of course we are, honey. We can even grab lunch in town if you’d like."

She exchanged a look with Andrew as she drew in a deep breath, "Let’s see how it goes."

"That’s perfectly fine as well, " Paul assured her, moving to wrap an arm around her small shoulders and giving her a gentle squeeze. He had to admit, she was looking better. The dark circles beneath her eyes were not as prominent as they had been only a few days ago and that brought him great relief. She had suffered through a few sleepless nights due to his decision about the pills and now knowing she wasn’t having as much trouble sleeping had alleviated his guilt a bit, "Just let me round up my woman and we’ll be on our way."

"What about ‘your woman’?" Alex raised her eyebrows as she came in the back door, pulling off her gardening gloves as she looked at her husband in amusement.

"We’re heading into town," Monica told her as she turned to face her friend, "Please come along."

If Alex was surprised, she certainly didn’t show it as she smiled, "Sounds like the perfect excuse to break out the credit cards to me! I’m in!"

"Now hold on a second, we didn’t say anything about shopping," Paul objected, though there was hint of mischief in his eye.

"You went shopping with Andrew the last time," She pointed out, winking in the Irish angel’s direction.

Paul appeared thoughtful, "Hmm, good point and I still need to have words with him about that. Between the shopping and the chick flicks all coming from angels…"

"Hey, you enjoyed those movies!" Alex retorted, challenging him her eyes.

"I never said I didn’t, but given their nature, I would have expected them to want to watch ‘The Ten Commandments’ or something along those lines."

Andrew shook his head as he grinned, "Well, Paul, when you were present for the real thing, a movie kind of pales in comparison."

*****

On the drive into town Paul cast frequent glances into the back seat to see how Monica was doing. The little angel seemed a bit more tense than she had been, and she was definitely being quieter, but her eyes remained clear and alert as they watched the scenery rushing by. He noticed that her hand was intertwined with Andrew’s on the seat between them, and tightened his grip on the wheel. He didn’t look back again for the rest of the trip.

If Monica was somewhat silent, Alex more than made up for it as she cheerily described the new shops that had come into town since Monica’s last visit. Paul and Andrew both rolled their eyes as the realized that they were in for a day of shop-crawling and bag-toting. Paul only had the faintest twinge of guilt when he briefly thought that maybe it wouldn’t be a horrible thing if Monica decided she didn’t want to stay for lunch.

Towards the end of the drive Monica began to talk a bit more, asking questions and making suggestions about where to go first. She was definitely nervous but she was trying to push through it. She knew that she couldn’t spend the rest of her existence on the farm, no matter how safe it made her feel.

"Okay, first stop, garden shop, at Monica’s request," Alex said as they parked the car at the central parking lot.

"What are you looking for anyway?" Paul asked as he draped his arm over his wife’s shoulder and led the way to the little gardening center.

"I was hoping that you and Alex would let me plant a rose bush, in the corner near the fireplace," she said a little tentatively.

Alex smiled over her shoulder at the little angel. "Well of course you can, but what on earth put that idea in your head?"

"Actually, it was all that tv I watched a few weeks ago," she answered with a wry grin. "There was a gardening show on, and they were planting a rose called Peace." She gave a little shrug. "I can’t really explain it very well," she said, trailing off a bit, "I was so upset when I first found out Tess and Andrew were bringing me to the farm… but now… It feels almost like Home to me. I guess I just wanted to give you both something that would tell you how much that means to me."

Paul stopped walking and he and Alex both turned to face her. "Monica, you don’t need to give us anything at all. We’re just glad that we’ve been able to help in whatever little way possible. We both wish we could do more."

"Believe me. You’ve done a lot," Monica said with a little grin, just before Paul pulled her into a bear hug.

"Well you’re family. There isn’t anything we wouldn’t do for you, and do I really need to remind you that if it wasn’t for you, neither one of us would even be here, much less married."

After a successful trip to the nursery and then back to the car to drop off the rose bush as well as a few pansies that Alex had insisted they had room for by the steps, the foursome headed down towards the shops that looked out over the lake. Monica remembered her first trip there, and the boat ride around the lake. It was one of her fondest memories despite the fact that it had ended up leading to some very harrowing days.

Looking back, she remembered how she had doubted if she would ever be able to move past those days. She had been certain that they would haunt her forever. Now, they were only memories. They still troubled her, but she was able to look back and see the good that had come from those days as well. She shook her head as she wondered if the same would eventually be true for the memory of the night she was raped. Somehow it seemed a lot less likely. A chill ran down her spine just thinking about it and she reached for Andrew’s warm hand.

He looked down at her questioningly. He could sense her sudden unease and his eyes held concern. "Everything okay?" he said quietly, out of range of Paul and Alex.

She nodded and gave him a little smile, and when he squeezed her hand she let him bring her back to the present and pushed all of her worrisome thoughts to the back of her mind. There would be time to talk about them later. Right now she wanted to concentrate on simply enjoying the beautiful day out with her friends.

The shops along the lakeshore were all full of different crafts and Monica and Alex clearly enjoyed them more than Paul and Andrew, although the boys nodded approval when necessary and smiled nicely when shown one item after the next. Alex finally convinced Monica to give the boys a break as they approached the last two shops.

"Why don’t you guys go watch the boats or something," she said as she waved her hand towards the lake. "Monica and I have got it covered."

"Are you sure?" Paul was the first to ask although the question was on Andrew’s tongue as well.

"Yeah, yeah, we’re sure. After all, I’m the one with the credit card," she said with a wink. She hooked her arm through Monica’s and pulled the angel towards the next shop, leaving behind the airy sound of laughter as they hurried away.

"She seems to be doing okay," Paul said once they were out of earshot.

"She is. Better than I hoped, actually," Andrew replied.

Paul kept his eyes trained on the sailboats in the distance. There was a group of them, white sails pulled taut against the wind, the shadows of people scurrying along decks. It was a race and as the first boat turned the marker and headed downwind the spinnaker was raised, red and orange and yellow, billowing out to pull it forward faster and faster, separating it from the pack, a spot of color in a picture of blue and white. The next boat rounded the same marker and threw up its colored sail as well, but somehow it didn’t have the same impact as that first spark of fire on the water. Paul glanced at Andrew out of the corner of his eye, wondering what he was thinking. Wondering if his feelings towards Monica were the same, or if he had realized that they were just a flash of fire brought on by the change in circumstance.

"You and I haven’t had a chance to talk much lately," he said, rather awkwardly.

Andrew knew exactly what he was getting at and clapped him on the back good-naturedly. "No, I guess we haven’t. Don’t worry, Paul. I haven’t told her anything, and I never will," he continued, a shadow falling over his features. "You were right about just about everything that day. I can’t pull away from her… I couldn’t even if I wanted to… and my feelings are best kept to myself."

"Good," Paul heard himself saying, and he felt a greater sense of relief than he had ever thought possible and he almost didn’t understand. Yes, he trusted Andrew. He was an angel for heaven’s sake. But Monica would not be able to accept or cope with the things that Andrew was feeling. In fact, he saw nothing but disaster occurring if the truth ever came out.

*****

Monica browsed through the shop, being careful to keep on eye on where Alex was as she did so. She had been feeling relatively comfortable in their little group, but the sudden separation from Paul and Andrew had unnerved her a little bit, though so far she was managing to control it. She could see Alex in the aisle next to hers, so she forced herself to relax by repeatedly telling herself that she was all right.

Her hand ran against the quilt she was looking at, smiling slightly at the pattern of horses that was contained in the squares, bringing to mind the farm and Scout. She was actually surprised that she had been permitted to remain with Paul and Alex for so long, but she was grateful that was the case. Venturing back to work on her own was not something that appealed to her, especially if her cases did not require Andrew’s calming presence next to her.

Hearing a commotion coming from the door of the store, she turned her head quickly, just as a group of college boys descended upon her as they tried to get down the row. They were boisterous, their voices loud and the little angel tried to flatten herself up against the shelves to get out of their way, but one young man who was speaking over his shoulder to his friend, ran into her and his hand instinctively went out to catch her around the waist to keep her from tumbling over.

"Oh shit, baby, I’m sorry," His expression was apologetic, but it quickly turned to concern as he watched the color drain from the little female’s face. He kept his arm around her waist, afraid she was going to suddenly slump to the floor.

He had called her "baby" and his arm around her was suddenly suffocating her. He had grabbed her like this…and then he had dragged her away…it couldn’t happen this time…she would change it…she would fight harder…she would get away…

"Are you okay?" He asked her worriedly, but a moment later, he had let out a startled yelp as she began to fight out against his hold. He could just make out tears in her eyes and he found her strangled cries distressing. He released her helplessly, his face burning at the crowd that had gathered and he held up his hands defensively, "I didn’t hurt her, I swear. I just ran into her…"

But Monica didn’t hear any of it as she stumbled blindly from the store. Her heart was racing and the panic was threatening to overtake her. She could hear footsteps quickly approaching the front of the store and she knew she had to get away before he found her again. She willed her legs to move as she ran in the direction of the dock, but as her feet hit the weathered boards, she knew she was trapped. It was a dead end unless she jumped into the water but she would much rather face that fear than to allow him to rape her again. Distress and panic filled her until she was scarcely able to breath and when a hand fell upon her shoulder; her own hands flew to her face as she screamed.

A moment later, she felt strong arms around her and a hand guided her head to his chest. She heard the familiar heartbeat and she nearly went limp in Andrew’s arms.

"Shh, angel…you’re safe, baby…I’ve got you…" He had felt her panic from across at the marina and though he didn’t know what had happened, he had been quick to find her.

"Is she all right?" Paul demanded, having caught up to Andrew after he had suddenly bolted with no explanation. It hadn’t taken him long however, to know it had something to do with the little angel who was now trembling in his arms. He looked around for Alex, cursing the fact that something had happened to terrify Monica once more.

"I think so," Andrew replied softly, knowing Monica would not want him making a fuss. She had already buried her face against his chest and he could feel her tears through his shirt, but she seemed to be slowly calming.

"Monica!" Alex was then running to them, her blue eyes alight with concern.

"Where were you?" Paul snapped, not noticing the fact that his tone caused the little angel to hold onto Andrew even more tightly.

"I was there, Paul, in the aisle next to her, but this group of kids came in…it was an accident…one ran into her and when he grabbed her to keep her from falling, he scared the shit out of her," She watched as his annoyance faded and he wrapped an arm around her waist.

"I’m sorry," He told her softly, "I didn’t mean to bite your head off. She was just so terrified…"

Andrew kissed the top of Monica’s head and then pulled away slightly to look into her tear streaked face. Some of her color was returning to be replaced by embarrassment and shame, "Are you okay?" He asked her softly, knowing that she really wasn’t, but willing to take her lead.

"Can we just go home? Please?" She requested tearfully. Her comfort level out in the open had just been damaged and all she wanted was to be back at the one place she deemed as safe.

"I’ll go and get the car," Paul offered, clearly able to see her embarrassment over her own overpowering emotions. He rubbed her arm gently, "Just wait here. I’ll be back in a jiffy."

"Honey, I’m so sorry," Alex stated softly, feeling terrible that her friend had been in her care when panic had set in for her.

"It’s not your fault," Monica whispered as Andrew pulled her close once more and she felt her earlier feelings start to resurface. She could never imagine the memories from that night fading.

*****

The ride home was quiet and the little angel remained in Andrew’s arms for all of it. He could feel that her fear had faded, along with her tears and her trembling, but it had been replaced with a sadness he could feel with his entire heart. He knew that under normal circumstances, she would have simply brushed off what had happened with a grin to the person who had plowed into her, but a few weeks ago, everything had changed; even her reaction to a simple accident.

"It was so stupid," She whispered up against his chest, disrupting his thoughts, "How could something so small make me act that way?"

"It was not stupid," He stated firmly, resting his chin on her head, "And it was a perfectly normal reaction considering what you have been through, angel. Don’t beat yourself up about this, please?"

"It’s hard not to," she muttered sadly. "Some part of me knew that it was nothing and that he wasn’t trying to hurt me, but another part just exploded… and I couldn’t control it…"

"It was a flashback, angel, of course you couldn’t control it."

Frustration and a hint of anger flared in her eyes. "I know, but I thought I was done with those." She hadn’t experienced one that strong since the day Tess had discovered her hiding in the closet. She had hoped never to feel that way again.

"Unfortunately I don’t think there’s really a time limit on them," he replied as he pulled her closer.

Alex, who had been listening from the front seat turned around slightly to face them. "I’m sorry for butting in," she said with a quirky grin and a raised eyebrow, "but it’s kind of a small car."

Andrew chuckled and Monica looked up with a slight smile on her face. "It’s all right," she said. "What are you thinking?"

"Well… I know this probably isn’t very orthodox, and I’ll probably go straight to hell for suggesting it, but maybe you would feel a little more confident if you knew you could defend yourself."

Monica’s eyes opened wide. The thought had never occurred to her. "Defend myself?"

Alex laughed. "I’m not talking armed combat or anything, just a little bit of self defense. If you knew you could render a guy impotent and break his nose, you might not feel so nervous around them."

The angel’s eyes grew even larger, even as she felt a chuckle rumbling through Andrew’s chest. "But that boy today… I wouldn’t have wanted to break his nose!"

Alex laughed. "Of course not, but it all goes along with being more comfortable and confident. If you knew you could do it, that might put you more at ease in situations where you didn’t have to."

Monica pursed her lips together for a moment. "And you’d teach me?"

Alex let out a breath she hadn’t realized she’d been holding. "I’d be honored." She glanced at Andrew. "You don’t think God would mind me turning one of His angels into a deadly weapon do you?"

Even Paul erupted into laughter at that, and Andrew reached forward to pat the agent’s hand. "I think He’ll be fine with it," he assured her with a broad grin.

Monica settled back against Andrew’s chest, feeling much happier than she had just minutes earlier. She had spent weeks waiting for to feel better, waiting for the feeling of helplessness to fade. The idea of actually doing something to make it go away was extremely appealing.

Just as the car was reaching the outskirts of the town the little angel suddenly sat straight up as something outside caught her eye. "Paul, could you stop the car?"

"What?" Paul glanced at her, confused. "What’s wrong?" He was already obeying her request, and pulling over to the side of the road.

"I’m hungry," she announced, "and that restaurant looks very nice. Could we eat there?"

Paul and Alex exchanged a puzzled look while Andrew just stared at her. "Monica, I thought you wanted to go home?" the agent said.

"I know. I did. But I’ve changed my mind." She felt Andrew’s arm around her shoulders tighten, filling her with more conviction. "I said I wanted to spend the day in town, and that’s what we’re going to do."

"Monica, you don’t have to prove anything to us," Alex said gently.

The angel’s dark eyes met with Alex’s. "I know, but I think maybe I have something to prove to myself."

Chapter 14

The week after that first trip to town seemed to mark another turning point for Monica. She was no longer content to wait for herself to heal, instead she wanted to do all she could to make herself feel better. Whether that was working out with Alex, or making short trips into town, just to get the groceries with Paul, it was something that she could feel proud about.

There were still times when she needed to go to her room and just cry out her frustrations and fears and sorrow, but more often than not, she preferred to tell them to Andrew, rather than keeping them to herself. Often she couldn’t even put those confused feelings into words, but he was always there to hold her, and assure her that she was not alone. To the Irish angel, that was more than enough.

Paul and Alex had actually felt at ease enough about her progress to take the commuter flight into Washington for a few briefings at the FBI Headquarters, and with Tess still away, the two angels were left to themselves for the first time since arriving at the farm. The agents had promised to be back by the following night and Monica had been unable to help but to feel a bit sad when they left, knowing she was going to miss them both. She had grown much closer to Alex over the last several weeks and her relationship with Paul had deepened as well and these were two things she could chalk up as being positive about what had happened to her.

Andrew sensed the first traces of sadness as the car pulled out of the drive and slowly vanished down the road and he approached the little angel and wrapped an arm around her shoulders, "How about we clean up the dishes and then go for a ride? We can even pack a lunch and make a day out of it."

Her expression softened as she looked up at him, loving the fact that he always knew just what she needed, "That would be perfect," She smiled up at him before wrapping her arms around him in a grateful hug. She closed her dark eyes as he enfolded her into his arms, but a moment later, they were open as a tiny shiver ran down her spine and seemed to resound within her heart. The feeling was so foreign and so unexpected that she nearly pulled away until she could put her finger on what it was that had just happened to her. The sensation had certainly not been uncomfortable, but the thoughts they evoked definitely were.

She pulled away and looked up into his eyes, not even realizing she was doing it until his voice broke into her thoughts.

"Angel? What is it?" Her eyes seemed to be looking for something and the look of trepidation on her face almost scared him. But a split second later, it was gone and she was shaking her head.

"Nothing. I don’t know what I was thinking. I’ll wash up if you pack the picnic. Deal?" Smiling once more, she turned away and headed over the sink of breakfast dishes.

"Deal," He replied, deciding not to push whatever potential issue there might be. She had been coming to him with everything the last two weeks and he had no doubts that if there was indeed a problem, she would bring this to him as well.

On the walk down to the barn, Monica chattered about the trees, the birds and the flowers she and Alex had planted and how well they were doing to the point where Andrew would have smiled had her sudden talkativeness not felt so out of place. His next thought was guilt at even feeling that way, but the fact remained that since the rape, even on her best days, she was still more quiet and reserved. That much had not changed until now and the fact that it suddenly had left him with the feeling that although things felt more normal than they had in weeks, something was wrong.

He listened as she spoke softly to Scout as she readied him for their ride, even as he saddled up his own mount. As they led the horses outside, he moved to her, "Let me give you a leg up, angel."

Monica nodded as she placed one foot in the stirrup and allowed Andrew to help her up, before smiling down her thanks.

"All set?" He asked her as he rested his hand on her leg, but his smile immediately faded as he saw a look of distress in her eyes, "Monica?"

She looked startled by the sound of her name and then nodded her head, "Yes. All ready." She could see his hesitation, and relief filled her when he swung himself up on his horse and gathered the reigns.

They started out through the fields and Monica managed to keep Scout just ahead of Andrew, trying to take a moment to sort out her head. The feeling from the kitchen had returned when his hand had touched her leg; the slight shiver that almost bordered on….she shook her head. No. That was not what she was feeling. She was wrong. But there was no denying that she had felt something that didn’t feel normal and she was almost afraid to analyze it for fear of what she would find.

"Race you!" She called back over her shoulder, determined not to allow her thoughts to ruin this day. Seeing Andrew spurring his horse on, she laughed, before urging Scout to pick up the pace. The wind in her hair was enough to make her forget what she had just been thinking as the only sound that filled her ears was the sound of the horse’s hooves beating against the ground.

She never noticed the snake that slithered across Scout’s path, but Scout did and he immediately reared back, startling the little angel, though unlike the last picnic she had taken him on, she managed to hold on this time, though barely and the reigns went flying from her unsuspecting hand. She had hoped that the horse would immediately calm, but that was not the case and a split second later, Scout was flying through the field in the direction of the woods and she was holding on for dear life to his mane to keep herself in the saddle.

"Monica!" Andrew bid his own horse to go faster at seeing Scout rear back and he cursed himself for agreeing to the race, knowing that Scout had a skittish streak in him. As he saw the horse race out of control in the direction of the woods, he felt his heart spring to his throat. If Monica entered the woods at that speed, there was no telling what could happen to her just from low hanging branches alone. Visions of her auburn mane tangled in a branch and throwing her from the horse was enough to stop his already pounding heart. He didn’t know if he could bear her being hurt again so soon, "Father, please protect her…" He found himself uttering as he urged the horse faster still.

The wind caused tears to sting Monica’s eyes as she crouched low in the saddle, whispering soothing words to the distressed horse. The woods were looming ahead of her and she knew if she couldn’t calm him soon, she was going to be in trouble.

The sound of hooves next to her were the most beautiful sound she had ever heard as between Andrew’s sudden presence and her whispered words of comfort, Scout slowed enough that Andrew was able to retrieve the wayward reigns. As Scout finally slowed, then stopped, he dismounted and moved to capture Monica around the waist to help her down.

"Sweetheart, are you okay?" He was looking over her for any signs that anything might be physically wrong, but other than her flushed face, she seemed all in one piece.

As he looked at her, still slightly trembling, all of the feelings he had been trying so hard to hide came rushing to the surface. The thought of anything happening to her, and the relief that it hadn’t made his love for her swell in his heart until he thought it would burst. He wanted to lean down and kiss her until they were both breathless, and then the fear that she could read that in his eyes made him pull her close and satisfy himself by kissing the top of her head.

Monica was too busy trying to push through her own feelings to even notice the subtle change in the way Andrew was looking at her, and when he hugged her she felt a tickling in her stomach as if a hundred butterflies had suddenly burst forth from their cocoons. She was glad that he was holding her because it hid the confusion that she knew had to be all over her face, but at the same time, the longer she remained in his arms the stronger her new feelings became. Finally, she could take no more and she carefully extricated herself, making a show of dusting off her legs to avoid looking him in the eye.

Andrew felt his heartbeat slowly returning to normal although his arms felt empty without her in them. "Are you sure you’re all right?" he asked.

"I’m sure," she said quickly. "Just startled, that’s all."

He tried to tilt his head to meet her eyes, but she quickly turned to Scout and started patting his neck. Something wasn’t quite right, and he prayed that she hadn’t seen his true feelings.

"Well, let’s head back to the house. We can pop a movie into the VCR and just relax for the afternoon."

"No!" She was a bit too fast to reply, but watching a movie meant curling up together on the sofa or her bed, and she knew she couldn’t handle that kind of closeness until she figured out what was wrong with her. "Let’s keep riding," she coaxed, "we haven’t even gone into the woods yet."

"Are you sure?" Andrew was taken aback at her willingness to continue after such a close call.

"I’m sure," she insisted, and before he could even offer to give her a leg up, she had pulled herself up and into the saddle and he had to hurry to catch up.

They rode for another hour, and by the end Andrew was beginning to feel a slight ache in his legs and he knew that Monica had to be exhausted as well. He volunteered to take care of the horses and was only a little surprised when she agreed and headed up to the house. Usually she was the last one to leave the barn, patting and giving treats to each horse before she left. The blond angel decided that she was probably more tired than she was letting on, and watched her make her way up to the house, not turning to go back into the barn until she was safely inside.

When he entered the house close to thirty minutes later he washed up and went immediately to her room, assuming that she was probably there resting. She looked startled when he opened the door without knocking and he looked at her with concern. He had gotten into the habit of just entering if the door was ajar, and she hadn’t seemed to mind.

"Still a little keyed up because of your wild ride?" he guessed, one corner of his mouth turning up in a grin.

"I guess so," she replied, putting on a grin to match his.

"You look tired. Maybe a little nap would do you good," he suggested.

She let out an imperceptible sigh and answered, "You’re probably right. I am feeling kind of worn out." Maybe that’s all this was. Maybe she had just been pushing herself too hard and that was what was causing her to feel so strangely.

She moved to curl up on her side and Andrew stepped forward to spread a blanket over her. She stopped him mid-stride. "I think I’m warm enough," she said quietly, hoping that he couldn’t hear the slight tremor in her voice.

Andrew froze and then dropped the blanket back onto the chest at the foot of the bed. "Oh… okay then. I’ll just leave you to rest." He paused as he was closing the door. "Sleep well, angel," he said, and then the door clicked shut and she could hear his footsteps moving down the hall.

Rolling over, she curled up even tighter as her eyes focused on the view out her window. What was happening to her? Why did Andrew’s touch suddenly make her very skin tingle with electricity? She loved him just as much as she always had…more… but these feelings were different. They came from another place in her heart that she had never even realized she possessed. She scrunched her eyes shut. She didn’t want to think about it. She was just overly tired. That’s all it was. When she woke up, things would be back to normal.

*****

Time passed slowly for Andrew while Monica slept. She hadn’t been sleeping during the day very much lately, and with Paul and Alex gone as well, it made the house seem very quiet and empty. After mindlessly flipping through the television channels, and trying to read three different books, he ended up deciding to start on dinner. Paul and Alex had been handling most of the cooking duties, but he had been known to whip up a meal or two in his day, and he wanted Monica to wake up to a nice relaxing dinner.

The aroma of roast chicken and gravy was indeed what roused Monica from her nap. It was a fabulous smell and the minute she woke up she realized how famished she was. The second thought to hit her mind was that Tess must have returned, and a feeling of relief flowed into her. Things would definitely feel more normal with her supervisor around. It would be the three of them, just like old times. Nothing to worry about, and nothing to think about. She pushed herself off the bed and walked down to the kitchen with a smile on her face.

"Well hello there, sleeping beauty," Andrew greeted her.

She found herself smiling shyly as her eyes scanned the room for Tess.

"Did you have a nice nap? As you can probably smell, I’ve managed to keep myself busy."

"You made all this?" Monica asked as she looked at the pots on the stove. That was when she noticed the table, set for two. Tess was no where in sight.

"Well don’t act so surprised!" he said with mock indignation. "I seem to recall that you like my cooking."

She turned to him, face flushed. "Of course I do! I love it! I didn’t mean it like that," she said, words tumbling out of her mouth.

He passed by her to stir the mashed potatoes and laid a gentle hand on her shoulder as he did so. "I’m only teasing, angel. Sit yourself down. I was just about to go get you. Everything is ready."

The little angel took her seat and decided to push everything she was feeling to the back of her mind, and simply enjoy the meal. Andrew had obviously gone to a good bit of trouble, and she didn’t want to disappoint him.

She did an excellent job of forgetting about everything that had occurred that afternoon, and by the end of the meal things between the two angels were back on an even keel. If she was a bit quieter than before, Andrew wrote it off as things falling back into the ‘new’ pattern. He was even relieved that she didn’t seem to feel the need to fill every silence, the way she had on the walk to the barn. Maybe she would even tell him what had brought on that sudden chattiness when they went to bed. That was when she usually told him anything that had bothered her during the day, and they were the moments he treasured the most. Lying there in the dark, with his arms wrapped around her, he didn’t have to hide the love that he knew was on his face, and if he hugged her a little tighter he knew that she would just see it as the supportive embrace of her best friend.

Andrew stifled a yawn as he looked up at the clock above the stove; one twenty-six am. He and Monica had to be on their ninth game of checkers and he was contemplating allowing her to win this time for the sake of breaking the tie…though that strategy had not worked last time. The game had been an unlikely request, but she seemed to be enjoying herself plus he had reasoned that she must not be sleepy after nap this afternoon.

Monica studied the board carefully as she considered her next move, chin propped in her hand. The game, as well as dinner had served its purpose and her feelings regarding Andrew now felt perfectly normal once more. She had been right. She had simply been tired this afternoon after their ride and her narrow escape with Scout and that had caused the strange feelings, nothing more.

Slowly, she slid one of her red checkers diagonally to the next space and then looked up and grinned impishly at him. She watched as his eyes widened slightly. She knew he had been planning on letting her win, but she had just solved that problem for him. No matter how he moved, she had a double jump to win the game.

A laugh erupted from the angel of death as he leaned back in his chair and folded his arms across his chest. He raised an eyebrow in amusement at her, though he was completely enjoying her quiet victory. The little angel was adorable, whether her eyes were glinting mischievously with victory or she was playfully pouting in defeat.

"Touché, Monica," He grinned at her as he began to collect the checkers in order to place them back in the box.

She emitted a giggle, "I enjoyed that," She replied as she folded the board and handed it to him from across the table, "Thank you for playing."

Her fingers brushed up against his as he took the game board from her and she nearly jerked her hand back from the electricity that seemed to flow between them, but she managed to return her hand to her lap, praying that Andrew couldn’t hear the sudden pounding of her heart.

"I’m going to get ready for bed," Monica heard herself saying as she slipped from her chair and headed back the hallway.

Andrew watched her rather hasty departure and frowned. There it was again; the feeling deep in his heart that was telling him something was wrong and he was determined to find out what it was. He left the game box on the table and turned out the kitchen lights, before checking to make certain all the doors were locked. He had already checked them before, but on occasion, Monica still asked. There was already something bothering her and he wasn’t about to add to it.

*****

The little angel had yet to change clothes as she paced the length of her bedroom, trying to sort out the confusing feelings that had invaded her mind once more. But nothing she was feeling made sense right now, and she was certain Andrew was going to ask her what had been troubling her today and she had no idea how to respond.

The feelings and sensations were inspired by his touch, much she knew, but why now? Maybe it was simply the fact that their friendship had deepened over the past weeks. Yes. That had to be it. So why then was his touch suddenly stealing her breath away?

She opened the closet door slowly and for the first time since the night Grady had died, looked at her reflection in the mirror. At the sight of her flushed cheeks, her hands flew to her face as she struggled to understand that which could not be understood. What was wrong with her?

A soft knock caused her to whirl around just before Andrew opened her door and she dropped her hands to her sides and managed a smile, determined he not feel the need to ask questions. Especially when she was currently not holding the answer key.

"I thought you’d be half asleep by now, sweetie," He observed as he sat down on the edge of her bed, waiting to see if she would offer any information about what had driven her from the kitchen so quickly.

Monica’s heart was beating rapidly, even as she struggled to remain calm. How could she possibly curl into his arms tonight and sleep with these insane feelings racing through her so quickly? But she would rather suffer than hurt him. Andrew had been with her constantly, without condition, since her nightmare had begun and he would never understand her sudden need to not be held safely in his arms. Though whether he held her close, or she got into bed alone, she knew sleep was out of the question.

"I’m not all that tired," she offered, hoping he would accept her answer and it would be over for tonight, "I suppose I should be, but I had that nap this afternoon. I think I’d like to go out to the living room and read a bit more of my book."

Andrew watched her closely. She looked fatigued around her eyes, though her eyes themselves were clear and alert, "All right then, I’ll come with you until you feel ready to go to sleep," But she was already shaking her head.

"Andrew, you’re tired. You kept trying not to yawn while we were playing checkers and I don’t want to keep you up." She approached him carefully and looked up at him, finding a bit of truth she could cling to. "Besides, eventually we’ll be leaving the farm and you won’t be able to be next to me every night… maybe I need to start getting used to that while knowing you are right down the hall."

"Is that what you’ve been upset about?" He knew her observations made sense, though he still didn’t have to like them. He wasn’t even sure he could sleep anymore without feeling her in his arms, "Are you worrying about leaving the farm and being assigned away from me?"

Monica bit her lip and gave a little nod. Part of that was the truth. She was afraid of when that day would come as she and Andrew were not always assigned together, though it was certainly not the main source of her distress now.

"Angel," He reached for her hand and pulled her into his arms, wrapping her up in his embrace, "You know I will never be far away from you."

Her heart sped up once again as she struggled to force herself to relax in his arms. The problem was that she was relaxed and she felt as if she could stay this way forever were it not for the fluttering in her stomach once more. She loved the way he held her so tightly and his hands around her were strong and certain, making her feel safe and so very loved. She was suddenly aware of his strong chest beneath her and his warm breath against her hair and the little angel struggled not to panic at the emotions she was feeling, "I know," She managed to say as she pulled away from him and smiled, "And I’m thankful for that. But if I wait until the day arrives when we are separated again, I don’t think I’ll handle it as well as I can on a test run. I’ll come in when I’m tired, okay?"

Once again, there was hesitation in her dark eyes that he didn’t understand, but he nodded his head, "Whatever you want, angel."

His eyes followed her out of the room, and he still felt slightly uneasy about what she had told him, but it did make sense. She hated their separations even at the best of times. He stood up to pull down the bedcovers and let out a long sigh. He wasn’t looking forward to leaving her either. In fact, if his current mood was any indication, just trying to fall asleep without her there was going to be a challenge.

Two hours later he was still tossing and turning, having slept perhaps a total of fifteen minutes. He rolled over and glanced at the clock on the nightstand. It was after three and Monica still hadn’t come to bed. The full mood shining in through the windows guided his footsteps to the door, and the soft light from the living room led him the rest of the way.

She was curled up on the sofa with an afghan pulled up to her chin and a book held limply in her hand. Dark lashes curled against her pale cheeks and she looked like a sleeping doll to him, perfect and beautiful. As he bent to pick her up he chanced a light kiss on her cheek and closed his eyes against the sudden quickening of his pulse. He knew that eventually he was going to have to talk to God about his feelings. He prayed that God would simply wash them away and not force him to leave Monica’s side. Then his heart clenched as he realized that as hard as it was to love her in silence, he would rather bear the pain than have that love stripped away.

He carried her so gently that she barely stirred in her sleep. She was still wearing jeans and a t-shirt, covered by Alex’s red plaid shirt. He tenderly removed her socks, and eased the heavy shirt from her small frame before tucking her under the covers. A minute later he had crawled under the covers himself, and he stretched a protective arm around her stomach before quickly falling asleep.

When the sun rose the next morning, Monica was the first one to wake. The weight of Andrew’s arm across her midsection felt like a loving hug and she sleepily opened her eyes on a smile. Her hand unconsciously curled around his and pulled it tighter before she fully awoke and started at what she was doing. Her breath came fast and she had to concentrate to slow it down. She immediately realized that he must have carried her to bed in the middle of the night.

Rolling over, she looked up into his face. It was relaxed and peaceful in sleep and she felt her heart calm as she traced his familiar features with her eyes. She still didn’t know what was making her feel so strangely, but looking at him helped to make her believe that whatever it was, she would be able to work her way through it. Maybe Alex would have some ideas, or perhaps Tess. Whatever it was, she wasn’t going to let it come between her and Andrew.

A noise from the front of the house suddenly made her stiffen, eyes wide in fear, heart pounding. A light squeeze to her arm and she saw Andrew looking at her.

"I’ll go check it out, angel. I’m sure it’s nothing," he said as he hastily climbed out of the bed.

Nothing, she repeated to herself, and yet it had woken him up. She sat with her knees tucked to her chin, staring at the closed door.

"Monica!" she heard him calling. "It’s all clear!" The jovial tone in his voice made her scamper to join him. Either Tess was back, or Paul and Alex had returned early.

"Sorry about the early morning wake-up call," Alex said with a wink as soon as Monica came into view. "We caught the first flight out of D.C. this morning." When she saw Monica looking around for the others, she continued, "Andrew’s out helping him with the bags, as usual. I don’t know what it is about men… it’s only two little overnight bags, but I think it must be some kind of bonding experience."

"It’s good to have you back," Monica replied, with a smile. She had missed Alex’s humor, and in the back of her mind she was wondering when she might be able to get the young woman alone. Alex had dealt with rape cases before. She knew all of the emotions and phases that victims went through. She would probably be able to set her fears at rest with just a few words.

"Okay, where do you want these?" Paul asked as he and Andrew reentered the house.

Alex rolled her eyes and shook her head in good-natured exasperation. "In the bedroom… as usual."

"As you wish, my dear," Paul replied, and he took the second bag from Andrew and then paused to lean down and kiss his wife in passing.

What started out as a simple peck on the lips turned into much more when Alex reached up to lightly touch his cheek and return the kiss with enthusiasm. Their teasing banter always made her remember how much she loved him. While Andrew suppressed a slight chuckle, Monica felt her cheeks growing red as she watched them. A second later a brief picture flashed in her mind. She saw herself sharing a similar kiss with Andrew and just the thought sent a pleasant tingle up her spine. Then she froze, as if rooted to the spot, and the blood drained from her cheeks.

"I… I think I’d better get showered and dressed," she stammered, and before anyone could respond, she had bolted from the room.

Paul and Alex broke apart and they both looked over at Andrew, who was staring after her, a perplexed expression on his face.

"Did you two have any trouble here alone?" Paul asked. The question seemed simple enough, but Andrew picked up on the pointed undertones.

"There was a little excitement during our ride yesterday, but other than that, things were fine," he answered. "She mentioned she was a little nervous about the prospect of us being assigned to different cases in the future… maybe seeing you two together made her think about that again."

Alex looked thoughtful. "Maybe."

"Well, a nice big breakfast is bound to distract her," Paul announced. "I’m starved and I’m cooking, so get yourselves ready to eat a four-course brunch."

Chapter 15

Monica had all but run to the bathroom, closing and locking the door behind her before she leaned up against it. Tears had filled her dark eyes and she was frantically trying to blink them back, but she felt positively sick at where her thoughts had strayed. Andrew was an angel. She was an angel and she even felt like one now occasionally. But now this had happened and it could only mean one thing.

What had happened to her had awoken something horrible in her; some sick, twisted emotion that was causing her to think about kissing her best friend in a way that would signify much more than friendship. Something in her heart must have turned black when she had been raped and now it stood to destroy her perfect relationship with the angel of death.

She shook her head furiously. No. She wouldn’t allow that to happen. She had to find a way to get over these feelings before Andrew ever found out about them for he would surely be disgusted and the very thought caused her tears to fall. Angels didn’t have these feelings…their love came from God alone and was nothing like what she had just felt while watching the exchange between Paul and Alex.

Monica pressed her hands to her cheeks, warding off tears and trying to calm the racing of her heart. As hard as it would be, she would put some distance between she and Andrew until she got this side effect under control. She could never tell him and though closing herself off for awhile would hurt him, she couldn’t risk losing him forever if he ever found out the truth about her. No matter how much she had healed, a part of her remained filthy or she would never be having these feelings in the first place.

*****

Paul’s steady eyes watched Monica as she toyed with her breakfast though he elected not to say anything just yet. He could tell Andrew was watching her as well, his eyes laden with worry and the agent briefly thought he had been thrown backwards in time. Her mannerisms this morning were so much like the early days after the rape and he felt irritation that maybe something had happened yesterday that Andrew was choosing not to share with him.

"I’ve got a bit of gardening to do after breakfast if you’re interested, Monica," Alex stated with a smile. The tension at the table was not going unnoticed, but she wanted to alleviate it if she could. Besides, maybe if she could get Monica alone, the angel would confess whatever it was that weighing so heavily on her heart right now.

Monica looked up and smiled, "I’d love to." It would not only be enjoyable, but it would keep her away from her best friend and her expression saddened that she even had to think that way. She felt a warmth on top of her hand and she looked over at Andrew, trying not to appear as unsettled as she felt.

"Are you not hungry, Angel Girl?" He asked, his concern evident in his eyes.

"I suppose not," She slowly moved her hand away, choosing not to meet his gaze and thus missing the distress in his eyes. She quickly got up and carried her plate to the sink in order to busy herself so she wouldn’t cry over the loss of his hand on hers. She started running the water for dishes, needing to busy herself until Alex was ready.

"I’ve got it, honey," Paul stated softly as he laid his hands on her shoulders.

"You cooked, Paul. You shouldn’t have to wash up too," She argued throwing him a tiny grin over her shoulder.

"Monica, Monica, still so much for me to teach you," Alex chuckled as she moved over to them and wrapped her arm around the little angel’s shoulders to lead her away from the sink, "Anytime a man offers to do any kind of housework, the answer is always ‘yes’. It’s good for them…keeps ‘em humble."

Paul chuckled as he winked at his wife, "Wench. I’ll take care of you later."

"I’ll keep that in mind," She replied coyly, throwing him a hungry look that had nothing to do with lunch, "Come on, Monica. Our flowers await."

Paul began putting the dishes in the soapy water, waiting until he knew Monica and Alex were out of earshot before he glanced over at Andrew, who was looking fairly miserable, "Are you sure there isn’t something you want to tell me, buddy?"

Andrew glanced up sharply, "No, Paul. I didn’t tell her anything. This isn’t making any sense. She was fine yesterday for the most part. A little shaken up after her wild ride with Scout, but…" He stopped talking as a realization hit him, "Shit."

The agent didn’t know whether to be amused or annoyed at that statement, "What?"

Running a hand through his hair, he shook his head, "I was so worried when we finally got Scout back under control. He was heading for the woods and I knew if that happened Monica was going to wind up hurt or worse…when I caught her…everything just came to the surface…I don’t think she noticed, but…"

"You have got to get this shit under control, Andrew," Paul’s voice was tight and he was struggling to not get angry, "She is coming back into her own and if you fuck this up for her…"

"I won’t," Andrew’s voice was more than slightly defensive. Two protectors at odds was definitely not a good thing, "I don’t even know if that is what is wrong, but I can’t think of anything else, unless she is just upset about having to leave everyone eventually."

Paul managed to calm down as he nodded his head, "That would be a reason for her to pull away, which is what she seems to be doing," He sighed in frustration, "I’m sorry, Andrew. You’re one of the few…individuals that I trust with her and I know you won’t do anything to hurt her."

He gave a brief nod as he stood up and walked over to the window, watching as if mesmerized by the little angel as she helped Alex weed the flower garden near the porch. She was smiling, but he could see the worry lines on her face. No, if she suspected anything, he would simply have to find a way to ease that concern. Hurting her was simply not an option.

*****

By evening, little had changed and Andrew felt as if Monica were avoiding him like the plague. She was still just as sweet and quick to throw a smile his way, but where physical distance was concerned, she was definitely keeping it, at least from him. At bedtime she insisted on being alone, trying to brush it off as needing to get used to him not being by her side when the darkness surrounded her, and he felt as if he had no choice but to abide by her request, no matter how much he hated it.

As Andrew left her room that night after bidding her good night, Monica felt unwanted tears filling her eyes once more. She was hurting him and she hated herself for it, but she had no choice. Even being in the same room with him right now, was causing her feelings to be wayward. She missed the feel of his arms around her and when she settled down to try to sleep, being alone caused her eyes to refuse to close. She had dropped off to sleep on the couch unintentionally last night, but tonight, though she was fairly certain she would not have a panic attack, she was still uneasy.

"Father," She whispered into the darkness, "Whatever these feelings are, I know the rape caused them. Could you please just take that much away so I don’t lose my best friend? Please?" Her voice trembled on the whispered words, knowing that if she lost Andrew, the rape would have indeed caused her to lose everything.

*****

Alex shifted slightly against her husband and he glanced down at her, waiting for her to say something. She was leaning against him in their bed, a book open in her hands, but she hadn’t turned a page in ten minutes, and now she was moving every thirty seconds. It was a sure sign that she had something on her mind and either wasn’t sure how to tell him, or was waiting for him to ask what was wrong. Since he knew he hadn’t forgotten any major holidays or milestones he guessed that she was trying to gather her thoughts. He was proven right when she tilted her head up a minute later.

"Monica was awfully distracted today," she said slowly.

"Yes," he replied, knowing that she had more to say. "Hopefully tomorrow will be better."

"She seemed to be avoiding Andrew the most," she finally said what was really on her mind.

Paul cast about for something to say that would be non-committal but still honest. "Really? You think so?" was what he settled on.

She turned to face him fully, her mouth and eyes set in a look that told him he wasn’t fooling anyone. "Yes, and I didn’t miss the looks you were sending his way either. Did you boys get in a fight or something?" her blue eyes stared into his, daring him to laugh at the adorably cute school-teacher expression on her face.

"No ma’am," he replied, stifling everything but a grin. "No fighting."

She gave him a quick kiss on the nose and then settled back against him again. "Then what is it?"

"Nothing, Alex. Really. We’re just both concerned about Monica, and you know I can get overprotective sometimes."

"No! Really? You?"

He playfully pressed his elbow into her side and she giggled before grabbing his hand and pulling his arm around her shoulders, and away from all her most ticklish places.

"I tried to get Monica to open up when we were outside, but she got kind of quiet, and I hate to push her. It was strange. I could tell that she wasn’t angry at Andrew. In fact she seemed the most distant when he was out of sight, but then when he was nearby she did everything she could to put one of us between them. When he touched her I almost thought she flinched."

"Yeah, I did see that," Paul said, expression grim, voice low. He had seen that exchange and had been forced to control himself from pushing Andrew up against the wall. To him it was just one more sign that Monica had somehow discovered Andrew’s feelings for her and was dealing with it exactly how he’d feared she would.

"If I didn’t know better, I’d say she had a crush on him."

Her words snapped Paul out of his dark thoughts immediately. "What?"

"Yeah, you know, flushed face, kinda awkward… sort of how you were around me," she teased.

Paul rolled his eyes and then bent his head and ran his tongue around her sensitive ear. "I’m not feeling very awkward lately," he whispered and then smiled as he felt her shiver. He straightened up and continued talking as if he didn’t notice the sudden heat that flooded his wife’s face. "I really don’t think Monica is the one with a crush," he said dryly.

"What? What’s that supposed to mean?" Alex asked, turning around again to search his face for answers.

He shook his head, cursing his slip-up. "Nothing, I don’t know what I was saying… just talking… you know. But I think that feelings like that are the last things Monica is feeling or needing right now. Andrew was probably right to begin with… she’s just nervous about the idea of leaving. That’s what she seems to be saying, and she’s never given me a reason to doubt her word before."

Alex looked at him doubtfully, trying to judge just exactly what he was hiding from her. She gave up with a sigh. If he had other ideas spinning around his head she wasn’t going to be able to pry them out. At least not without a lot of work, and at the moment she had other things she preferred to spend her energy on.

"Yeah, maybe you’re right," she said, and then lay down on his chest, face hovering above his. "But speaking of crushes…"

It was all the invitation he needed.

*****

When Monica joined everyone at the breakfast table the next morning it was obvious that she hadn’t gotten much, if any, sleep. The dark circles were back, and she seemed paler than she had just the day before.

"Rough night?" Alex said quietly as she handed Monica a cup of coffee.

The angel shrugged as she took the cup and raised it to her lips. She couldn’t tell them that she had spent most of the night praying and hadn’t heard any reply, even in the deepest reaches of her heart.

"I think I expected it to be that way," she said softly, not wanting to lie. "I just started thinking too much."

"Monica, you should have come to get me," Andrew said, looking at her with concern. If she wanted to prove she could handle being alone, that was one thing, but he couldn’t stand to see her suffer when there was something he could do about it.

"I was all right," she said, trying to make her voice lighter. "No nightmares anyway," she gave a brief grin before taking another sip of coffee.

Andrew didn’t look convinced, but he didn’t push it. He was going to have to talk to her eventually, but now wasn’t the right time. He needed to find out if she had somehow guessed his feelings and that was what was causing her to withdraw. He didn’t know how he could deny them without lying to her but he was willing to do just about anything to make things like they had been between them. He hadn’t slept much himself. Instead he had lain in his bed alternately staring at the ceiling and the door, asking himself over and over again why he had developed feelings for her, just to have them cause her pain.

By that night however, the angel of death was ready to go back on his decision to wait. The little angel had picked at all three of her meals today, scarcely eating anything, and no matter what she was doing, she limited his accessibility to her. If she was reading, she chose to do it in the single chair, not risking him sitting down next to her, if he was in one room, she found an excuse to be in another and all the while she seemed to become more pale and withdrawn.

The four of them were watching a movie before turning in for the night, but it was all Andrew could do to concentrate on it. He kept stealing glances at Monica, but it seemed like if she wasn’t engrossed in the movie, then at the very least she was pretending to be. His heart was telling him that this had absolutely nothing to do with fearing a separation from him as she was already doing that now. Looking up once more, he froze. She was looking at him and the look of acute sadness in her dark eyes pierced his heart.

But a second later, she had looked away before getting up out of her chair, "I’m going to bed," She was trying to sound cheerful, yet sleepy, but no one missed the tightness in her voice, "Good night."

As she departed, there was silence for a moment before Andrew looked over at the two agents. Alex had her eyebrows raised as if to ask "Well, aren’t you going to do something?" while Paul’s expression clearly stated "If you do anything, you’ll have me to answer to." Andrew decided he would side with Alex.

Wordlessly, he rose to his feet, purposefully avoiding Paul’s gaze and headed back the hallway to Monica’s room. He would feel her out first and try to find out what the problem was. He didn’t want to have to admit to his own feelings unless he absolutely had to, not wanting to drive this sudden wedge between them deeper.

He knocked once and instead of waiting for her to bid him enter, he opened the door to find her standing near the window and as she looked at him, his heart sprang to his throat at the tears in her eyes, "Angel, I think we need to talk." His voice was gentle, not wanting to frighten her, but she turned her head away just the same.

"I’m fine, Andrew, really. Just tired…" She tried to sound convincing, knowing she needed to get him out of here as quickly as possible.

But he was already shaking his head, "I think we both know that there is more to this than that, Monica. You say you are trying to prepare yourself for being assigned elsewhere, but pulling away from me when I am right here with you, defeats any purpose. You aren’t sleeping, you’re barely eating and I’m unable to just sit back and watch this any longer."

"I just have things on my mind," Monica argued weakly, still not turning to face him as one look at him could cause her emotions to be all over the place once more.

"That much is obvious, sweetheart, but it is time to let me help you with whatever those things are," He risked a step closer to her, "You’ve been doing so well, angel…"

"I was," She whispered sadly, reaching up to swipe at a tear that had fallen, before she found her resolve once more, "I’ll be all right, Andrew. I just need some time to myself is all," What she wanted was to fall into his arms and never let go, but she had to deny herself that now as the gesture that had always brought such peace, was suddenly much more complicated.

"Monica, let me help you," He placed a gentle hand on her shoulder and watched as she flinched and then turned tear-filled eyes to him.

"You can’t help me…not with this. Now please, just go. Andrew…please…" She would beg if she had to. For him to discover how she was feeling was more than she would ever be able to bear though the thought briefly occurred to her that whether she told him or not, she was slowly losing him.

He had nearly been ready to give up when a shadow of pain and great anguish crossed her face and he then knew he was staying until he found out the truth. Whatever this was, it was eating her up inside and causing her to pull so far away and he was not about to run the risk of never reaching her again, "I’m not going anywhere until you tell me and I think you know that. Talk to me, Monica." She was shaking her head, but he was not giving up, "Tell me what this is all about so I can help you. Why can’t I help with this?"

"Because you can’t, Andrew!"

"Why? Tell me why."

"Because you’re the problem!" The words were out and the look of hurt on his face went straight to her heart, "No, I don’t mean it like that, I don’t…" Her words broke on a sob, "I don’t know how to tell you this…you’ll never forgive me…I’ll lose you…"

His heart was pounding so loudly he was afraid he would soon see it on the floor in front of him, but he took what he hoped was a calming breath and stepped closer to take her face into his hands, "There is nothing so terrible that you could ever tell me that would make me walk away from you. You have my word on that, angel. I love you and nothing changes that, ever."

Her breaths were nearly panicked, but she knew she had to explain, no matter how much she wanted to simply run out of here and hide, "When he…when he raped me…something else happened to me…I didn’t even realize it until the other day…but what he did has to be causing it, because I shouldn’t be feeling this way," She shook her head once more. This was too hard. She couldn’t tell him. She couldn’t even find the words.

"Tell me," His voice was a whisper as he continued to gaze into her teary eyes.

Monica swallowed against the sudden tightness in her throat and closed her eyes briefly, "I’m having these feelings for you that I shouldn’t be having. Feelings that I might have…if…if I were in…love with you…"

Andrew’s head reared back as he suddenly felt his breath catch in his throat, unable to believe the words she had just spoken. Every fear he had felt about her ever knowing the truth, she had just confronted in her honesty and it was taking him a moment to adjust to what she had said. He was feeling a million different things; a greater joy than he had ever felt before, and his heart felt full to bursting. But the moment vanished as she pulled away from him and covered her face with her hands.

"I’m sorry…I’m sorry…" Her words were anguished and filled with shame and he didn’t waste another moment.

"No, angel, no," his own hands were trembling as he took hers and pulled them away from her face, "You surprised me, baby, that’s all…you have no idea, angel…" She was crying and she lowered her head, trying to hide, but he stopped her with his hand under her chin, "Sweetheart, you have nothing to be ashamed of…I…I’ve been having the same feelings about you."

Monica’s eyes widened as they searched his, hardly able to fathom that he felt the same way, "What? When…Andrew?"

"I don’t know," He whispered, his thumbs swiping at her tears, even as he smiled down at her, "I’m not sure…a few weeks, a few years…I was trying so damn hard not to think about it because I couldn’t tell you…"

"But it’s wrong," She choked out, "We’re angels…we’re not supposed to feel this way…"

Andrew shook his head, "That’s what I thought at first too, Monica, but now…if you’re feeling the same things, then they could only come from the Father. They didn’t come from what happened to you, angel. They came from God."

She closed her eyes once more, feeling his hand on her face, his warm and gentle touch, "Are you sure?" She whispered hoarsely, her hand trembling as she laid it over his.

"Yes," He whispered, waiting until her eyes had opened once more to continue, "I love you, angel…" He didn’t think he could wait another moment as he brought his face closer to hers. He kissed her forehead, and her cheeks, before he finally sought out her lips.

The little angel felt every bit of the electricity and stomach flutters as Andrew kissed her, his touch just as sweet as she ever could have imagined. Her hand moved to touch his cheek, never wanting the moment to end, even as relief surged through her. She loved him so much. He had always been the most perfect, sweet, compassionate soul she had ever known. It was not what she had thought. The rape had not caused this.

A split second later, her eyes had sprung open and she pulled away, her hand falling back to her side as fresh tears filled her brown eyes.

"Monica?" He was looking at her intently, feeling as if he had been robbed by the abrupt ending to what he had been wishing for, "What is it?"

She shook her head as her other hand moved to cover her mouth, "I can’t do this…"

The rape. Did she think he was going to force anything onto her that she wasn’t ready for? He understood all too well what had happened to her and he wasn’t about to rush anything for her, "Monica, I understand and it’s okay, baby…"

"No…even if this is right and what is supposed to happen…it can’t, Andrew…" He was looking at her with such love and concern and her tears were falling freely once more, "You deserve better…" Her voice was strangled and she could hardly get the words out, "You deserved better than me…I’m damaged...and you’re pure and I never will be again…You deserve better than a used angel…"

"Monica!" She had turned and fled from the room, with only the sounds of her sobs echoing behind her.

Paul and Alex both looked up sharply when they heard the Irish angel running down the hall.

"Monica, where are you going?" Paul demanded as she fumbled with the lock on the back door and shoved her feet into her sneakers.

"J-just out… I need to go out!"

"It’s almost eleven o’clock and you aren’t going anywhere," the agent said as he pushed the door closed just as she managed to open it.

"Please, Paul, please, I can’t stay inside!" When he looked down at her stricken face for the first time he felt his stomach twist into a knot. The look of absolute naked pain in her eyes made his knees weak.

"Sweetheart…" he softened his voice.

"Please," she whispered brokenly, her hand trembling as it gripped the doorknob.

"Paul, I’ll take her," Alex volunteered as she stepped up behind the angel. "We’ll just go down to the barn. We’ll be fine."

He was reluctant but the pleading look on his wife’s face convinced him to let them go. He released the door, but reached out to cup Monica’s face in his strong hand.

"Monica, whatever has happened… whatever he said… we’re still here for you. Everything is going to be all right." He was going under the assumption that Andrew had stepped over that invisible line in the sand and as gentle as he was being with Monica, that was exactly how angry he was at the angel of death. She didn’t meet his eye and he looked over her shoulder at Alex who had grabbed their jackets. He didn’t need to say anything to her, they said everything with their eyes.

"C’mon honey," Alex said gently as she helped Monica into her jacket and ushered her out the door.

Chapter 16

They had barely left before Paul was stomping down to Monica’s room, blood in his eyes. "What the FUCK happened?" he shouted as he slammed the door open.

Andrew was sitting on the bed, head in his hands, looking absolutely distraught but the agent didn’t care what he was feeling, he cared what the already fragile little angel was feeling.

"I asked you a question! She just ran out there sobbing and fighting to get out of the house! I had to agree to let Alex take her down to the barn for a little while. So, I repeat, what the FUCK did you say to her?"

The angel looked up, eyes filled with pain. "I didn’t tell her… she told me," he said, his voice dead. "And I don’t think I’ve ever been happier in my existence than I was at that moment."

Paul was dumbstruck, and his fists slowly uncurled as he nearly staggered to the chair and dropped into it. "She… she feels the same way?"

"Yes… she thought that being raped had somehow twisted her feelings… and I had to tell her how wrong she was…" He looked up, his face taking on a look of peace. "We kissed, Paul… and I thought…"

The fists were back and Paul leaned forward. "Then what?" he asked, voice low.

"Don’t look at me that way!" Andrew shouted. "You look at me as if I would hurt her! As if I COULD hurt her! I would give up everything for her. Everything, and it still wouldn’t be enough. You and Alex… you share a love together, and a happiness that I envy. Why would you deny us the same joy?" He took a breath, and watched as Paul’s expression changed, remorse flitting through his eyes. "She pulled away. She looked so ashamed… she… she thinks she’s going to taint me or something… She can’t stop thinking that being raped has made her less than she was… Damnit Paul! Why did it take this to have our feelings come to the surface? Why couldn’t we have discovered them together, with nothing but the future to look forward to?"

"Andrew…" Paul shook his head, suddenly guilty for everything he had been thinking. "I’m sorry… I didn’t… I wasn’t thinking."

Andrew didn’t even comment on his apology, "I don’t know how to make her see, Paul. What happened to her changes nothing for me, nothing at all. The fact that she has fought so hard to heal makes me love her even more and I didn’t think that was even possible," He looked up and Paul could clearly see the pain in his eyes and knew he had been misjudging Andrew all along, "She is everything to me."

"In the back of my mind, I always thought it was a shame that you two were angels as you fit together so well," Paul remarked with a small grin before it faded away, "I’m sorry. It is safe to say that where she is concerned, I’m a bit overly protective. She saved my life in more ways then one and I owe her all I have now," His expression set in determination, "And if there is anyway I can help you fix this, I will. She deserves to be happy and damnit, I’ve always known that you make her happy."

Andrew gave a weary nod. He wanted with everything in him to go after the little angel, but he knew she didn’t want to see him right now. He lowered his head and offered up a prayer for peace for her and when he felt God’s love fill him completely, he knew that what he had told Monica was absolutely true. God had instilled these feelings; this match literally made in heaven. He only hoped that the angel he loved would one day see it as well.

*****

"Honey, please calm down," Alex pleaded, watching helplessly as her friend leaned her head up against Scout’s neck as she finally stopped her tearful pacing. The little angel had been unable to settle down since they had come down to the barn and Alex was desperate to know what was wrong, "Please tell me what happened?"

Monica pressed her lips tightly together, trying to control the tears enough to speak, "He loves me, Alex…Andrew…he’s in love with me…and I feel the same way…"

The agent’s first impulse was shout out in joy at this news, but she had a feeling that there was more to the story, "And this is a bad thing, why?"

She turned to face her friend, her dark eyes filled with complete distress and pain, "Andrew is perfect, Alex…he’s gentle and protective and my dearest friend."

Alex kept thinking she was missing something in the translation for surely, she could not be that dense, "I’m sorry, honey, but I’m just not getting why you are so upset. This is wonderful news! You and Andrew belong together; you always have. So why the tears, Monica?"

A soft sob escaped her, "Because he is all those things, Alex. He deserves so much better than me. I’ve been raped; another man has had me and I can’t be with Andrew knowing that….what Grady did has changed me forever and I’m always going to feel ashamed of that."

Alex felt tears burn in her own eyes at the words of the Irish angel and she approached her carefully, wrapping an arm around her shoulders, "Monica, you are more wrong about this than you have been about anything else since this whole horrible thing happened to you. Sweetie, this was never your cross to bear, but Grady made it as such. He hurt YOU, Monica and because of that you want to deny yourself something that will make you so incredibly happy."

"I can’t do this to him, Alex…I can’t. I’m not worth what Andrew is offering and now it’s all ruined. He kissed me and there is no way I’m moving forward…I can’t…but because he kissed me, I can’t go back either. Things are never going to be the same and I’m going to lose my best friend!"

"No," Alex was already shaking her head, "You won’t. I don’t think there is a snowball’s chance in hell of that happening, Monica. He is always going to be there for you, no matter what you decide. But damn, girl, don’t throw this away so easily."

"I have to," Her voice caught in another sob, "I’m damaged, Alex, and he isn’t! He deserves someone pure and I can never be that someone! I can’t allow him to touch what Grady already destroyed!"

"Damnit, Monica, this isn’t a disease!" Alex began, but she stopped seeing a shadow at the door of the barn and her eyes met with those of her husband helplessly as the little angel began to sob once more.

"Sweetheart, go on up to the house. Monica and I need to have a little talk," His voice was gentle, but not allowing for any argument.

"Please get through to her," Alex whispered, barely loud enough for Paul to hear.

He squeezed her hand as she passed by. He would certainly do his best.

Monica had collapsed on a bale of hay opposite Scout’s stall and Paul walked over to her and sat down beside her.

"Mind if I sit here?" he asked, and she shook her head, tears still falling from her eyes as fast as she wiped them away. He pulled a tissue out of his pocket and handed it to her, waiting for her to calm down a bit.

"You talked to Andrew," she finally said.

He looked at her sheepishly though her eyes were fixed on the floor. "Well, yeah. After you left I stormed down to your room ready to break both his arms."

That got her attention, and she looked at him, guilty and alarmed. "It wasn’t him," she said quickly. "He didn’t do anything wrong… you didn’t…"

He placed a steady hand on her knee. "Don’t worry, I blew off some steam, but he was the one who put me in my place." He straightened up and looked at her sternly. "And now it’s time for me to do the same to you."

"Wh-what? But you already know…" she felt tears welling up again, and her throat closed, choking off her words.

"I know what you think and I know what he thinks, and now I’m here to tell you what I think, and you’re going to listen to every word very carefully. Do we have a deal?"

She nodded slightly, wondering what he was about to say. Whatever it was, it couldn’t change the facts. It couldn’t rewind time and stop the rape from happening, and it couldn’t force her feelings back into hiding.

"Actually, I’m not even gonna talk about you and Andrew. I want to talk about Alex." Monica looked at him questioningly, and he continued. "What do you think of her?"

She was surprised by the question, but she swallowed past the tears and answered, "You know I love her. She’s perfect for you… strong, smart, beautiful…"

Paul smiled. "Yeah, that’s pretty much what I think too. Now, if she had been the one in that alley instead of you, do you think any of that would have changed?"

Monica went back to studying the floor. "It wouldn’t have happened to her. She would have fought him off."

"I met William Grady, Monica. He was a huge, strong guy. If he had caught her unaware I wouldn’t necessarily say it’s a fight she would have won."

"Yes, she would have," she whispered.

He sighed. "All right then, let’s go back a while. What if Devin Jackson hadn’t grabbed you when he took Alex? What if he had decided to rape her. There’s no way she would have been able to get away from him."

Monica shrugged and didn’t reply.

"Do you think that would have changed how I felt about her?"

The angel looked up, dark eyes tearfully meeting his. "No, you still would have loved her, and I know Andrew still loves me, but that…that’s the problem…"

"Oh yeah, that’s right. Because you’re unclean now," Paul said a bit harshly. "So I guess Alex would have been unclean too? You really think she would have been damaged goods? Unworthy?"

"I… I don’t…"

"Come on, Monica, yes or no? Would you have had me turn my back on her and walk away? Looked around for someone better? Someone who hadn’t been tainted?"

The words were hard and rough and Monica flinched, shrinking into herself. Of course she didn’t believe that. Alex still would have been Alex. But it was different for her… it was different for Andrew.

"It’s not the same," she said at last, words falling from her lips.

"Not the same because you’re angels, you mean? Well, I’m here to tell you that Andrew’s feelings are one hundred percent human. He loves you, Monica. He loves you with his whole heart. You know what he told me? He told me that when you said you loved him it was the happiest moment he’s ever known."

She let out a sob and he quickly wrapped an arm around her trembling shoulders. "He said that?" she whispered.

"Yes, he did, and you know he’s an angel… lying isn’t an option," he said with a grin as he hugged her.

"Why did it have to happen this way? Why couldn’t it have been different?" she was crying but Paul almost chuckled.

"You mean more like Alex and I? We didn’t exactly have an easy start if you’ll remember. You did hear that the first time we kissed it was because she was sure she was about to die, right?" He was actually surprised that he could look back on that time and smile, but with everything that had come afterwards, it was hard not to treasure every moment that they had shared.

"I know… but Alex… she was never afraid…"

"Never afraid? Of course she was! We were both petrified! We didn’t know what the hell we were doing, we just knew how we felt about each other, and it was worth the risk."

Monica leaned her head against Paul’s shoulder. "I know how I feel about Andrew. My heart hurts it’s so full of love for him."

Paul felt a tear coming to his own eyes. "Then don’t you think you should be spending this time with him instead of wasting it out here?"

"I don’t know what I’ll say to him," She whispered shakily, not moving her head from his shoulder.

"My recommendation, honey, is to start out with the truth and the way you two feel about each other will take you the rest of the way," He kissed the top of her head before he rose to his feet, pulling her up with him, "C’mon. There’s an angel up there who really wants to see you."

Monica nodded her head as she allowed Paul to lead her from the barn. It was late and she had no idea of what she was going to say, but what she did know was that she loved the angel who was up at the house…waiting for her.

*****

Andrew had not moved from the edge of the bed since Paul had left the room, his thoughts completely in turmoil. It was over as quickly as it had begun and he was trying to decide how to best repair their damaged relationship. If they weren’t moving forward, he would do his best to at least fix what they had before. He wanted her in his existence, at whatever level she would allow.

He ignored the soft knock at the door, certain it was Alex to check on him, for she surely had the whole story by now and it wasn’t until the door opened that he raised his head. His breath caught in his throat at the sight of the little angel. Her tired eyes were red and swollen from crying and her expression was still uncertain, but she was here. Nothing else mattered.

She moved silently towards him and sat down next to him, trying to collect her thoughts enough to speak. As he turned to face her, she searched his eyes and was not disappointed at what she saw; unconditional love that would never end, no matter what she decided about anything, compassion for the things she was feeling and an understanding that went beyond her comprehension. Fresh tears filled her eyes as she opened her mouth to try to speak, but a moment later, she was on her knees, his face in her hands, kissing him with everything that was in her heart.

It only took Andrew a fraction of a second to adjust to this new situation and his heart nearly burst from his chest. His trembling hands cupped her face as he closed his eyes, tasting her mouth as his tongue parted her lips and the kiss moved to a new level altogether.

It was Andrew who broke it off abruptly but he never moved his hands from her face, "Talk to me, angel." He was nearly breathless, but didn’t want to do anything to hurt or endanger her, even if it meant putting aside his own emotions to make sure she was not simply acting to please him.

Tears had raced down her face as they had kissed and she felt his fingers swiping at them. "I love you," she whispered, her voice catching on a tiny sob, "I do, Andrew…I love you so much and if you…if you can see past what he did to me…then I’ll try to do that as well and maybe one day I’ll even believe it."

"I want that for you, baby, more than anything," His own voice was choked as he continued to hold her teary gaze.

"Me too. I don’t want William Grady to destroy this and that is what I was letting him do and he doesn’t deserve that from me. He took enough and though I don’t understand how you can know that and still feel the way you do, I don’t want to question it," though there were still tears, she was speaking with more conviction than she had since that horrible night. "And I don’t know where this is leading us, and I don’t even know if I would ever be able to…"

"It doesn’t matter," He whispered quickly to her, his hands moving to run through her hair reassuringly, "Sweetheart, that doesn’t matter to me one bit. Just to be able to not hide what I’m feeling for you, just to be with you, that’s what matters to me. I would never want or ask anything from you that you were not completely comfortable with. I love you, angel, and I never want to do anything to hurt you."

"Andrew…" his name was but a breath on her lips, but he understood and pulled her tightly into his arms and she allowed the emotions she had been trying so hard to bury, to burst forth from her very soul. He had hugged her more times that she could ever count, but this time she truly felt the strength of arms that would always shelter her and hands that would never hurt her and the pounding of a heart that loved her completely.

He held her for several long minutes, until her tears dried, before he pulled away to be able to look at her and his jaw clenched to hold back his own emotions. "You are everything to me," he repeated the words he had told Paul to the angel who needed to hear them, "You’re beautiful, angel, both inside and out and I won’t stop saying those words until you believe them," He grinned at her, "and even after that."

A small giggle emerged from her and Andrew was sure it was the sweetest sound he had heard all night. Ever so gently, he laid a hand on her cheek and kissed her tenderly before whispering to her, "You’re beautiful, Monica and just this moment alone is more than I could ever want."

"Where do we go from here?" She asked softly, her trusting eyes looking into his own.

Her question took him by surprise, realizing that he had no idea, "Oh. Hmmm. Well, how about an official date Saturday night?" He grinned mischievously at her as she laughed at his suggestion, before his gaze turned tender, "I love the sound of your laugh, angel, and I’ve missed it lately," He stroked her cheek, lost in the moment. He planned on making her laugh often starting tomorrow once she had some sleep, "So, is it a date?"

Monica felt her heart flutter nervously. A date with her best friend was definitely a first, "Yes. I think I would enjoy that very much. Where will you take me?"

But he shook his head firmly, "Top secret information, angel. You just worry about being ready by six ‘o clock."

She smiled and nodded her head, "I think I can do that," She replied, making a mental note to ask Alex to go into town with her tomorrow. It may be difficult, but maybe it was time to do away with the flannel shirts. She had been imprisoned in them long enough and she would be with Andrew. No harm would come to her.

"You’re tired," He stated after a moment, his fingers tracing along her jaw, "And it’s late, so why don’t you get ready for bed."

"You’ll stay with me tonight?" Monica asked hopefully. Despite the confessions of their love for each other, she knew she had nothing to be afraid of; he had made that abundantly clear.

"You wouldn’t be able to get rid of me if you tried," He assured her as he leaned over to kiss her once more.

As their lips parted, she grabbed her nightgown and rose to her feet, hating the thought of even this brief separation from him right now, "Let me go change and there is something I need to do." She saw the understanding in his eyes before she turned and left the room.

Paul was right where she expected him to be; pacing the living room floor and he looked up at her through worried eyes as she entered the room. A moment later, she had wrapped her arms around him and was hugging him tightly.

"Thank you." She whispered in his ear.

"It was my pleasure, sweetheart," He smiled as he embraced her tightly. He had been able to see the happiness in her eyes before she had hugged him and his heart felt lighter over that look then it had in weeks.

"I love you. Good night," She moved her head to kiss his cheek before she released him, but he held fast to her hand.

"You’re okay?"

Monica smiled and drew in a deep breath, "Nearly perfect….as close as I can be."

"That’s all I need to know then, honey. Get some sleep," He watched as she started from the room, before he added, "Monica?" As she looked back at him, he smiled, "I love you too."

Andrew was waiting for her once she had changed in the bathroom and returned to her room. As she slipped in next to him, she felt the exhaustion hit her full force, but it was a pleasant feeling this time. Today had been hard…maybe the hardest day in the past month, but she could not have asked for a happier ending.

Once she was settled, Andrew tilted her chin, unable to resist one last kiss to dream on and when she returned her head to his chest, the contented smile on her face nearly melted his heart, "I love you, angel. Sleep."

Her eyes closed on a breath, "I love you too."