Chapter 6

The two agents and one angel had packed light bags that were now sitting by the front door. Paul had booked the flight hours ago and now he and Alex waited with Tess for Andrew to join them. Andrew knew he didn’t have much time, but he had to say he was sorry just one more time.

He had stayed out of sight when Alex had walked Monica back up to the house and the little angel had refused dinner altogether, choosing to stay in her room instead. Alex had shown him the drawing and he had taken one look, the man’s face now forever etched in his mind. He was hesitant to try to speak to her, not wanting things between them to get any worse, but there was no way he could leave without a word.

He knocked softly first before he opened the door, finding her in bed with the television on, but muted. She was staring at the screen through vacant eyes which she turned briefly to him as he knelt down beside the bed. He lowered his eyes miserably as he began to speak, "I’m heading to Boston with Alex and Paul in a few minutes. Tess will be here with you and hopefully we won’t be gone long."

Monica’s eyes widened at his words, but she remained silent as he continued to speak, "I just needed to tell you again how sorry I am, angel. To hurt you…it’s something I never want to do."

"But you did," Monica whispered brokenly.

"I know." His heart ached at her simple words of truth, wishing she never had a reason to say them, "I’ll never forgive myself for doing it. In my heart, I knew you had fought. I guess I just wanted to hear it from you, but I never should have pushed you to tell me anything. I could see how much it hurt you to relive it and I was the one who caused you that pain. I’m sorry."

He saw the tears shimmering in her eyes and he wished he could hold her close, but that was not an option any longer, "Some time away from me is probably what you need right now anyway and I know Tess will take much better care of you than I did today." His voice was becoming choked, so he rose to his feet, but he was unable to resist leaning over and kissing the top of her head, "I love you, angel."

He never saw her sorrowful eyes watch him leave the room, nor did he hear the tearful whisper once he had closed the door behind himself.

"Please don’t leave me…"

She sat staring at the door long after she heard the front door open and close and the car pull down the driveway. She sat staring at it until it finally opened, but it wasn’t Andrew who stepped into the room.

"I brought you some nice herbal tea," Tess said as she walked to the bed, steaming mug held between her hands.

"I don’t…" Monica started, her voice strained and hopeless.

"Shhh. It’ll help you sleep, baby."

Sleep was something that the younger angel craved and so she reluctantly reached for the cup. Tess saw the pain in her charge’s eyes, a pain that had finally begun to lessen and which was now back full force. She pulled the small bottle of pills out of her pocket and set it on the nightstand next to the ever-present water glass.

"I’ll just leave those here for you… just in case you need them."

"Thank you, Tess," she murmured.

"Would you like me to sit with you?" Tess already knew the answer, but she felt she had to ask. She had to at least feel like she was making the effort.

As expected, Monica shook her head. Andrew had been the only one she had allowed to watch her sleep. She wondered now if he ever would again. He had left so suddenly and she hadn’t even had a chance to tell him that she still loved him as much as ever. He had left because she had told him to, and now all she wanted was for him to come back. Would he be gone for days or weeks? Would he ever come back? Maybe after hearing everything he would decide it was all just too much. Maybe she could have fought harder. Alex would have fought harder. She would have gotten away.

She wasn’t sure how she finally managed to get to sleep that night, but she remembered finally taking two sleeping pills sometime after two am and continuing to toss and turn. She knew that sleep had claimed her at some point, because now she was opening her eyes and the sun was pouring into her room. She rolled over and looked towards Andrew’s chair. She knew that he never stayed the whole night, but sometimes he would come in after the sun was up. That didn’t bother her the way watching her through the darkness did.

The chair was empty and she wearily pushed herself up. Her strained muscles were finally healing, but she still woke up every morning feeling stiff. Sitting up for a moment, she was struck by how quiet the house was. She didn’t hear Tess in the kitchen. Her heart started to beat faster as she silently crept out of bed and walked to the door. She opened it just a crack and her heart sped up even more. Her hands were ice cold and yet they were sweating and she rubbed them against her nightgown.

She was alone. Paul and Alex and Andrew were gone and now Tess was gone. She stepped into the hallway, eyes wide, heart threatening to burst from her chest.

"Tess?" Her call was hardly above a whisper as she slowly took one step towards the kitchen, and then another.

There was no answer and she felt her hands beginning to shake. God had sent Tess somewhere else. I’m alone. I’m alone. I’m alone. The words repeated over and over in her head bringing her closer to panic. She nearly screamed when she heard a sound by the back door. It was him. He had followed them. He had been waiting. He was there and he was looking for her. She covered her mouth with her hands to contain her cries. He was going to hear her. He was going to find her. She had to run. She had to hide. She stumbled as she turned, her suddenly weak legs tangling in her nightgown. She fell against the wall and clutched at it for support as she staggered back down the hall. She leaned against a door and it swung open, sending her tumbling to the floor. She let out a short scream and then clamped her hands to her face again, tears streaming down her face. He was going to hear her! He was coming! He was coming! He was coming and she was alone! No one could help her! Everyone was gone! The closet door was open and she was crawling on her hands and knees, desperate, her sobs choked off, her arms barely supporting her. It was dark and small and she pushed herself into the corner, her knees to her chest, face buried in her arms, begging. Please, please, please, please, don’t come in here. Don’t come in. Don’t come in. Please leave. Please leave. She couldn’t breathe; she couldn’t hear anything but the rushing of blood in her ears. It felt like she was drowning and then the litany in her mind changed. Please, let me die. Let me die this time. Please, please, please. The door opened and a hand was on her shoulder and she was screaming. She was screaming and she couldn’t stop.

"Monica! Monica! Baby, it’s me! It’s Tess! Angel Girl, please, you’re all right. You’re all right." Tess’ arms enveloped the hysterical angel as she joined her on the floor of the closet. "It’s all right, baby. You’re safe. You’re safe and I’ve got you," she soothed as she rocked her back and forth, drawing on every bit of her strength not to break down into tears herself. Inside she was praying as she had never prayed, for God to shower all his love on the angel she held in her embrace.

"Tess, he’s here! He’s here! He’s looking for me!" she was still caught in the throes of her panic.

"Baby, no… no one else is here," Tess said as she held Monica closer. She felt anger beginning to grow in her chest and wondered if this was what Andrew had been feeling all along. "Angel Girl, I’m the only one here. He’s not going to find you. He’s not going to hurt you ever again."

Monica’s cries took long minutes to finally subside, and when they did she started murmuring as she kept her face buried against the older angel’s shoulder. "Tess, Tess, you’re here… you’re here."

"Of course I’m here, baby. I’m here and I’m not going anywhere. I just stepped outside to pick some flowers for your room."

"Everyone was gone… everyone was gone and I was alone. I was so alone," Monica uttered helplessly, her voice catching on a sob.

"No. Monica, you weren’t alone. You are never alone. God was with you, Monica. He was with you. Why didn’t you call Him?"

Monica didn’t answer, but her shuddering breaths told the older angel that she was still awake. Finally, drawing in a shaky breath, she showed Tess the depth of her pain when she whispered, "I was afraid He wouldn’t be here… He wasn’t there before… I… I… I thought He wouldn’t listen to me…"

"Oh, my little Angel Girl… He is always with you. Always. He was with you even that night…."

"No… no, He wasn’t… He wasn’t there… I couldn’t feel Him with me… He didn’t stop it…"

"Baby, you couldn’t feel Him because you were in so much pain you shut Him out… the way you’ve tried to shut us all out… but He was still with you, just the way we will always be with you. He covered you with His love, baby, and he led you to that shed. Then he led Andrew to you, and He watched over you until we found you. ‘He will never leave you nor forsake you’… you know those words, Monica. They are truth. He didn’t forsake you that night, and He has been with you every night since."

Monica’s quiet sobs finally faded away and the only sounds were two heartbeats and even, steady breathing. She closed her eyes and concentrated on the feeling of Tess’ arms around her as she finally opened her heart to God. Not even a moment of time passed before she felt His love all around her, filling her heart and her soul and the little angel let out one last sob as she felt it. Even as the overwhelming feeling slowly faded away she could still sense Him in her heart. He couldn’t take away her pain. He couldn’t make it all a horrible dream, but He would be with her for as long as it took to heal, and forever after that. She blinked slowly and opened her eyes as she remembered where she had heard words like that before. From Andrew.

*****

"Tess…" Andrew managed a small smile when he heard the older angel’s voice on the other end of the line. Though this was only the second day since he had left, he could no longer sit and wonder how the little angel was doing. He was lying awake at night worrying and he was hoping Tess could put an end to his insomnia.

"How are things going, baby?" She inquired, being careful to keep her chagrin out of her voice. She hadn’t felt it was a good idea for him to go, not when there was someone here who desperately needed him.

"Nothing yet. Apparently the neighborhood where Monica was hurt is an area of high crime and they all watch each other’s backs. We’re just waiting, hoping he will eventually show himself," So I can break his neck, he added silently to himself, "How is she?"

Tess could hear the concern in his voice and she sighed softly, "She’s had a rough couple of days, Andrew."

The fact that Tess didn’t offer anything more, told him volumes, "Why? What happened?" He didn’t want to know…he didn’t want to know what additional pain he had caused her by insisting she tell him everything.

"I stepped outside yesterday morning before she woke up…she woke up alone…I found her in a closet and when I touched her…she just started screaming. That baby was convinced he was in the house and he was going to find her…"

He closed his eyes. He had caused her so much pain. She hadn’t had a panic attack like that one since the day after she had been raped. But his words had raped her a second time, "How has she been since then?" His voice was low and quiet.

"Withdrawn, sad, not sleeping well. The list goes on and on, Andrew. Of course it doesn’t help that the majority of her safety net is in Boston, looking for the one who caused the pain instead of helping the one who is hurting," She had been unable to stop the words. Her Angel Girl had been doing better, no matter how slightly, until the day Andrew had walked out the door.

"He needs to be found, Tess," He replied, the tension evident in his words.

"And she needs to heal, Andrew and you are integral to that happening."

"I wasn’t helping her, Tess," He argued softly, "I was only hurting her more," There was silence on the other end of the line and though he was afraid to ask, he did anyway, "Do you think she would talk to me?"

"Only one way to find out," Tess pronounced as she carried the phone down the hall to Monica’s room. She opened the door to find the little angel curled on her side, staring at the door, which now that it had opened, had broken her line of vision, "Baby, Andrew would like to speak with you."

Monica’s heart thudded to the floor. He was calling to tell her he was never coming back. He couldn’t deal with who she was now, with what she had become. Tears burned in her eyes as she shakily accepted the phone from Tess and waited until her supervisor had left her alone.

He could hear her soft breathing as she came on the line, but the relief he felt was quickly doused when she didn’t offer any greeting. He was sure she was still incredibly angry with him, but he was not about to sit back and wait for her to speak to him and thus drive the barrier between them higher still, "How are you doing, angel?" He finally asked her softly. He completely expected her not to tell him anything, so when she finally spoke, her words nearly caused his throat to close.

"I miss you," The three tiny words were merely a whisper, but they were the sweetest sound Andrew had heard in a long time.

"I would have thought you would still be furious with me," He replied gently. He was dreading her answer, but knew that whatever she said, he deserved it.

"Not so furious that I don’t need you," Monica stated sadly. Despite what had happened in the barn two days ago, she wanted him there so badly it hurt.

His heart ached at her words, "The fact that you feel that way is a gift, Monica, that I am eternally grateful for, though I’m not sure I am deserving of it." She didn’t reply, but he heard a sniffle she was obviously trying to hide, "Can I ask you something?" He was sure he was pushing his luck, but the question had been in his mind since he had been on the plane to Boston.

Lying on her bed at the farm, Monica nodded her head, forgetting for a moment that he wasn’t really here. He sounded so close and though ever since she had been raped, he had felt a thousand miles away, the distance now felt ten times further and completely hopeless.

"Angel?" His heartbeat had sped up with her silence, afraid she would just hang up at the thought of him asking her anything more.

"I…I’m sorry. I just…" She shook her head, "It’s not important. What did you need to ask?"

Andrew supposed the fact that he couldn’t see the despair he knew was on her face and in her eyes made his question easier to ask and he was careful to keep his voice as gentle as he could. "Why would it have been easier for you to tell Paul what happened? Why was it so much harder to tell me?" He could have understood her not wanting to share it with anyone, but at the thought of telling him, she had immediately volunteered to tell the agent.

Monica hesitated at the question, then released a trembling sigh, "I love Paul but he and I both know that he is no angel. That’s what made it easier…" She blinked back tears and forced herself to bare her soul, "With you…I care so much about what you think of me. It was bad enough you already knew I had been changed, but to tell you how it happened…the things he did…"

He clutched the phone so tightly his knuckles turned white, longing to close the distance that was between them. He had been a fucking fool, "Sweetheart, listen to me. Nothing could ever change how I feel about you or what I see when I look at you. The things I love so much about you, angel, no one could ever take away," He could hear her quiet weeping and the need to brush away her tears became a physical ache in his heart, "Oh angel.."

"Come home? Please?"

She was pleading and his expression turned desperate. He wanted to do what she was asking, but he had been so useless to help her before. At least here he could do something. He could help find the bastard who had emotionally crippled her. He was still struggling with an answer when she spoke up once more.

"I know I haven’t made it easy for you. I can’t even let you…hold me for very long, but…"

"But what, Monica?" He whispered, her pain so great he could feel it throbbing in his soul.

Her voice rose an octave with her desperation, "But you have to keep trying.."

He sank down onto the bed and closed his eyes. Did she think he was giving up on her? There was nothing further from the truth. He had only gone to give her time, but a moment later the truth hit him. All she saw was that he had walked away; she was so worried about what he would now think of her and the point had been driven home when he had walked out the door.

"I’ll try to book a flight for tonight, sweetie," He heard his words coming without hesitation. She needed him and there were no other options, "If I can’t, I’ll have Paul arrange for a car. It will be late, angel, but I will be there. I promise I’ll be there and then we are going to make sure you get well and I don’t give a damn how long it takes, Monica. I will be there." Paul and Alex would just have to handle things, though he knew that was never really the issue. The issue was that he wanted to lay his eyes, at the very least, on the son of a bitch who had hurt her. But then again, he had also wanted Monica to tell him what had happened and he had broken her heart in the process. He learned from his mistakes, "Please don’t cry, angel."

"Just hurry," She whispered tearfully. She wanted him here now and didn’t want to wait another moment to feel his arms around her, even if she would be unable to keep them there, "Please hurry. I need you."

He had no sooner hung up the phone than he moved to dial the number for the airline to see if he could get a return flight that night, but a knock at his door stopped him and Paul walked through a moment later.

"We’ve got him. There is an undercover agent keeping him under surveillance at his residence. I have told them not to act until we get there."

The angel hesitated, but then nodded his head. It was only mid-afternoon. He would see this bastard caught and then by plane or by car, he was going back to the little angel who needed him.

*****

It was all Andrew could do to stay behind Alex and Paul once they had gotten out of the car and were approaching the squalid looking house. The paint was peeling off in big flakes, and the one trashcan by the stoop was tipped over, spilling beer cans and fast food wrappers into the street. Andrew hardly even took notice of those details that the real officials were trained to see. All he wanted was to beat the damn door down and then show the bastard what pain really was, but he reigned in his impatience. He wasn’t about to lose this man now.

The agent who had found him had gotten a name. William Grady. Andrew felt better just knowing that little piece of information. Now he knew what to call him if he got the chance to throw him up against the wall and beat the shit out of him.

His jaw clenched as Paul knocked on the door and they stepped back. Both Paul and Alex had their guns drawn and ready and the angel felt as if every muscle in his body was on high alert. When the door opened, he came face to face with the drawing Alex had made based on every detail Monica had told her. The little angel had been so accurate it made his heart ache.

As soon as the door opened, Paul rushed forward, gun in hand, taking Grady by surprise. The man tried to run, but Paul was not about to lose him, as he placed a strong hand on Grady’s shoulder and spun him around, shoving him up against the wall, his gun aimed at the man’s head. "All right, you sick bastard, give me one good reason not to splatter your brains all over the wall!"

"Paul." Though Alex felt the anger right along with him, she didn’t want to risk him losing control, even though she was barely holding onto it herself, "William Grady, you are under arrest for sexual assault…" She proceeded to read his rights as she moved to handcuff his hands behind his back, purposefully yanking on him a bit more than necessary. She saw Paul’s jaw clench and knew he hated the fact that she was even touching him, but it was one of the things she most loved about her husband. He never interfered with her doing her job.

Grady was smiling and the expression on his face was causing Andrew to clench and unclench his fists just to keep his anger intact. The bastard was twice Monica’s size. She could have fought him within an inch of her life and would have never won. He was standing there smiling while she had been almost destroyed completely. Given two cents, he would wipe that grin off his face permanently.

Grady’s eyes moved from the two agents to Andrew, as he raised his eyebrows, "You her boyfriend, blondie?" He smirked when the steely green eyes of the angel met sharply with his, knowing he had hit a nerve. Leaning in slightly, his voice dropped to a whisper, "She’s one helluva good fuck, ain’t she?"

Andrew was throwing the punch before he even realized he had raised his arm, hitting Grady square in the jaw and causing the man’s head to be thrown to the side up against the wall. The angel saw blood but didn’t even take the time to care, as he stepped closer and grabbed Grady by the shirt collar, raising him up off the floor, "You son of a bitch! I hope you rot in hell!"

Only Paul’s hand on his shoulder stopped him from doing or saying more as he threw the man up against the wall. He watched, his hands clenched into fists as two other agents entered and led Grady out of the dingy, dark house and to a waiting vehicle.

"Damn, buddy, I think you broke his jaw," Paul commented, feeling a twinge of satisfaction that he had.

Andrew didn’t say anything for a moment, before he turned to Paul, as he stretched out his hand, which was now starting to hurt, though he found it incredibly satisfying, "I need your car. I’m heading back. Now."

Alex reached over and laid a hand on his arm, "She needs you, Andrew."

He nodded his head, "I know. I’ve been gone too long as it is."

Taking Paul’s keys from him, Alex pressed them into Andrew’s hand, "Then go. We’ll be there by tomorrow afternoon."

She didn’t need to tell him twice. He nodded his thanks and with quick and determined strides, walked to the waiting car. He wanted to be back at the farm so he could hold the little angel who had stolen his heart, and he would remain at her side until she was no longer questioning herself or him. Whether it took six months or six years, he would be there.

Chapter 7

The sun was setting as he drove out of the city, the buildings in the rearview mirror glinting in the dying light, but Andrew scarcely noticed. All he saw was road, miles of road, stretched out in front of him, the dotted centerline like breadcrumbs leading him back to Monica. The moon was full and already half-way up the sky when he hit the Connecticut state line. He still had at least five more hours of driving before he reached the farm. He should have been exhausted. He’d only had a minimal amount of sleep since leaving the little angel’s side, and not much more than that even before that, but his eyes remained wide opened. He saw taillights and the guardrail, and that dotted centerline.

By the time saw the ‘Welcome to New York’ sign he had played his speech to her a hundred times. She would be in her bedroom. Would she be awake? He didn’t think he would be able to wait until morning if she wasn’t. He would have to wake her. Each time he imagined what he was going to say, it changed. There was so much he wanted to say, and he had so much to apologize for. He kept thinking of her, curled on the floor in a closet, thinking that everyone had abandoned her, thinking that the man who had raped her was on his way to do it again. He was going to make that up to her. He was going to make sure she knew that he was never going to leave her again.

He felt the connection between them drawing him closer. He had felt it even in Boston, and it only got stronger the nearer he got to her, like a thread pulled impossibly thin but never losing its strength. They were still bound together and if she was unable to feel that now, then he would just have to patiently coax her into opening her heart enough to prove it to her.

It was almost four am by the time he finally pulled into the driveway, loose gravel crunching under the wheels as he slowly pulled to a stop in front of the garage. He made his way to the front door silently, peering through the windows to see if he could see any lights on. As he opened the door he saw the warm light coming from the track lighting in the kitchen. It was very dim and served as a nightlight. No one was up.

He shut the door and carefully turned the locks.

"Andrew." He heard his name spoken directly to his heart and his hand pressed flat against the door before he then turned back around to face the open living room.

She was standing there, barefooted, in her flannel nightgown, hair tousled and falling in front of her shoulders. It looked like she was losing weight again and the dark hollows under her eyes had grown deeper. Andrew cursed himself for being the cause. Those beautiful dark eyes were filled with a mixture of fear and hopefulness and longing.

The words ‘what are you doing up?’ died on his lips as he covered the distance between them in three long strides. Then he was holding her as tightly as he dared, face buried in her sweet smelling hair, feeling the way her small body collapsed into his.

"I missed you too," he managed to say as he kissed the top of her head.

"I felt you coming," she whispered. "I felt you…"

"I never should have gone," he told her, though he remembered with dark satisfaction the feeling of his fist connecting with William Grady’s face.

"I told you to go."

He shook his head. "You were upset because of what I put you through, Angel, and I will never be able to apologize enough for that, but I’m praying that you’ll let me make it up to you."

"Just hold me tighter."

The grandfather clock in the corner ticked off the minutes as they held each other but finally Andrew felt her relax as the bottled up tension flowed from her body. He tenderly stroked her hair as he tried to get his thoughts in order.

"Tess told me what happened the other day," he finally said, very softly. "I’m so sorry, Monica. That was my fault." He felt her shaking her head but he looked down at her sadly and continued, "Yes. Yes, it was. I pushed you before you were ready. I pushed because of my own selfish reasons; because I couldn’t stand the thought of you telling someone else, because my own guilt was eating me alive. Monica, I knew in my heart that you’d fought. I knew it… I have always known it. You have never backed down in your entire existence. To make you think that I doubted that… Angel I can’t explain… I think maybe some part of me wanted to think there was something else you could have done, or something else that could have happened… because if there wasn’t… then the only person I could blame was myself."

"Andrew…"

"You said it yourself. You weren’t wandering around looking to get hurt, you were looking for me. And I wasn’t there. I wasn’t there to save you and that haunts me."

Her breath caught and she held on tighter, tears springing to her eyes. "Please don’t feel that way. Please… I know… I know you would do anything to protect me. There was just… there was nothing you could have done," she uttered tearfully. "Maybe… maybe I could have fought harder…"

His body tensed at her words and he pulled back enough to see her face; to look into her eyes. "No! He had a knife and he was twice your size. I thank God he didn’t hurt you any more. You have nothing to feel guilty about. Nothing. He’s the one who should feel guilty. He’s the one who should be carrying around this shame, not you. I know it’s hard, and I know you may not be able to believe me right now, but please try. I have always told you the truth, angel and I’m telling you the truth now."

She searched his face and his eyes, her hands still tightly gripping his arms. She could see that he was being completely honest, but it was still so hard to let go of the feelings that had infected her heart and soul. "I’ll try," she whispered at last, and breathed a sigh of relief as he pulled her close again.

"Thank you, Monica," he whispered as he silently thanked God as well. He looked down at her. "We should get you back to bed," he said reluctantly. He didn’t want to let her go.

She kept her head nestled against his chest but tilted it upwards. "Will you hold me?" she asked tremulously.

"For as long as you want."

*****

Andrew waited until she had gotten settled with her head against his chest, before he pulled the blanket up around her. He could feel the weariness that surrounded her and he took to simply stroking her hair, being careful not to hold her too tightly, lest she suddenly feel afraid. His heart was nearly bursting with joy at the gift of having her in his arms to begin with, and he didn’t want to do anything to make the unavoidable happen sooner.

But it happened soon enough, just as she was drifting off to sleep and he felt it before her body ever reacted. A split second later, Monica was trembling and he had felt her heartbeat quicken up against him. He released her gently, waiting for her to move into the curled up position on the bed that he was sadly growing accustomed to, but this time it didn’t happen. In fact, she was clutching his shirt tightly in her small hands, refusing to let him go, "It’s all right, angel," He whispered, not wanting her to be considering his feelings while dealing with the night terrors she in no way could control.

Monica shook her head hard, even as she struggled to catch her breath, "Don’t let me go…"

His eyes widened for a second, before he cautiously wrapped his arms back around her, waiting for her to fight to get away from him. But it appeared that she was fighting to stay right where she was, refusing to let them control the safety she felt in his arms.

It took a long time before the unbearable shaking began to subside, but through it all, Andrew spoke softly to her, his gentle hands running through her hair. The effort had zapped the last of her energy and soon she was fast asleep, having won the first of what he knew would be many battles. He had never loved her more.

Andrew must have fallen asleep at some point as well because when he next opened his eyes, it was daylight. But the sky was gray with even darker clouds overhead and he felt a bit disappointed. He wanted sunshine to surround Monica, even if she was too disheartened to get out of bed, and now he could only wonder if the rain outside would set the course of the day. He hoped not.

Looking down, he realized that the little angel was awake though her thoughts were obviously miles away. Four hours sleep had hardly done her justice, but he was thankful she at least had that much, and that she had remained in his embrace for them, "Angel?" Gently, he touched her cheek with his hand, feeling terrible when she started with a whispered cry, "I’m sorry, sweetheart. I didn’t mean to scare you."

"It’s okay," She whispered before her eyes moved back to the window.

It hit him then. It had been raining the night of her attack and though she appeared to be watching it fall, he could now see that her haunted eyes were seeing things far beyond the rain. Occasionally, she would flinch, as if feeling physical pain and Andrew strengthened his resolve. Though he would force her to do nothing, he was going to make every effort to keep her distracted if he could.

"I think breakfast is in order," He remarked softly, his voice pulling her away from the images in her mind as she looked up at him. With her lying nestled up against him the last few hours, he could feel how much weight she had lost and she was a tiny creature to begin with. They would start out small again if need be.

As she got up, he moved off the bed and to the window. She was staring outside of it once more, seemingly trapped. He closed the windows to block out the sound before pulling the blue curtains closed and then turning back to her as if he had done nothing out of the ordinary, "Why don’t you grab a shower first? I’ll see if Alex has the makings for blueberry pancakes."

Monica nodded her head, before she headed for the door, but then she stopped at turned back to him and spoke in a whisper, "Thank you." He had understood and for that she was forever grateful.

*****

Paul and Alex returned by midday as the rain continued outside and the agent was surprised to see Monica curled up on the sofa in the living room. She looked exhausted and the painful expression had not left her eyes, but just to see her out of her room was a vast improvement and Paul had an inkling that Andrew was the reason that had happened.

"Hey!" Alex smiled brightly, though she was fairly certain that the little angel had not missed the glance that had been exchanged between Paul and Andrew. She made her way over to the sofa to hug Monica, pleased when a small smile appeared on the angel’s lips.

"I’ll help you in with the bags," Andrew offered as he got up and turned to Paul. He needed to know what the situation was, and he was not about to discuss it in front of Monica.

As soon as they had departed, Monica turned to Alex, her expression pensive, "You caught him."

It wasn’t a question. It was a statement and Alex had to wonder if Andrew had told her. She couldn’t have imagined him doing so, but somehow, Monica knew, "Yes. Did Andrew tell you?"

"Not in so many words," She looked down at the quilt that she was wrapped up in, pulling at one of the threads, "He made mention of something last night and his hand…I could tell he had hit something or someone…"

"He broke the bastard’s jaw, honey. I don’t think that Wi-." But before she could continue in stating that Grady had not even seen Andrew’s anger coming, Monica stopped her with a hard shake of her head.

"I…I don’t want to know his name, please…"

Alex could tell that something more was upsetting her friend. She was worrying her lower lip and there was a slight tremble in her hands, "Monica?"

"I won’t have to testify, right? I mean, they did all that stuff at the hospital the night it happened," The words came out in a rush of fear and when she looked up at Alex, there were tears in her eyes.

The agent drew in a deep breath, "Yes, they did, but for a conviction, honey, they’re going to need you."

"I don’t understand…" Her voice trembled as she lowered her head once more.

"To put it in the simplest of terms, they have to know that you said ‘no’." Alex reached across and laid her hand on top of the angel’s, feeling them shake beneath her.

"But I did…they took pictures…they saw the bruises…I’d have never said yes, Alex…"

"I know that, and you know that, and Paul, Andrew and Tess know that, but a jury doesn’t." Her heart was breaking for the angel as she watched a tear slide down her cheek, "He needs to go to jail for a long time, Monica, and you are the only one who can make sure that happens."

"I’ll have to tell them what happened?"

"He will have a defense attorney, yes, and you will be asked some hard questions," Alex knew she had to be honest. When this happened, the last thing she wanted was for Monica to be even more overwhelmed.

"I can’t…it was hard enough to tell Andrew…how can I tell a room full of people who will be judging whether or not I wanted him to…rape me…" Saying the word made her stomach clench as she felt the nausea returning. A moment later she had bolted from the couch and down the hall.

"Monica! Wait…" Alex called after her but she knew it wouldn’t do any good. She sank to the sofa and slumped forward, elbows on her knees. She heard the bathroom door slam and flinched. No, she hadn’t wanted to lie to her, but there had to have been a gentler way to tell her.

Tess stepped out of the kitchen as she heard fast moving footsteps rush by. She turned just in time to watch Monica disappear into the bathroom. She moved to follow her, but a second later she heard the lock click, and then the sound of her little angel girl losing what little she’d had to eat that day. The wrinkles around her old eyes grew deeper as she leaned up against the wall. Each day she prayed for it to get easier for Monica, but so far it seemed that with every step she took forward she was thrown back at least three.

Looking across the hall she saw that Monica’s bed was still unmade and her clothes were draped over the chair. Well, at least she could do something to help. She could make the little angel more comfortable, if nothing else.

*****

"So he’s in jail now, right?" Andrew got right to the point as soon as he and Paul stepped outside the house. The rain was turning the landscape misty and soft, but Andrew was hoping that it would clear up for Monica’s sake.

"Yeah, he’s in jail. Well, in the hospital wing of the jail anyway. That was quite a punch, buddy. I hear they had to wire his jaw shut. They aren’t gonna be able to put him in with the general population for a couple of weeks."

Andrew tried not to look as grimly pleased about that as he felt. "So they already had the arraignment?"

"Yep. First thing this morning. It really helps to know a judge as well as the DA," Paul said with a wink. "I don’t know how I got anything done before I met Alex. They’re holding him without bail and the trial’s set to start in about a month."

"A month?" Andrew knew what that meant. It meant that Monica had to be able to tell not just him, but a room full of strangers what that bastard had done to her. "Paul, that’s too soon. It’s been a week and she’s just started leaving her room!"

"I know, believe me, I know, but there isn’t anything we can do about it. Right to a speedy trial. That’s what it says… and trust me, his attorney is gonna be pushing for that. They know that the sooner it is the better chance they’ll have of bullying the victim…"

"Not victim!" Andrew shouted, turning on his friend. "Monica! We’re talking about Monica, not just one of the hundred cases you hear about every week!"

Paul dropped the bag he had been pulling out of the trunk and placed a hand on Andrew’s shoulder, not at all surprised when the angel shrugged it off and took a few steps away.

"I’m sorry. I know who we’re talking about, and trust me, she isn’t just another victim to me… or to Alex. We both love her… and we love you and Tess. You’re like our extended family. But nothing I can say or do will change this. The trial is going to start in a month, and if Monica can’t testify then this man will be released."

Andrew glanced at him and then picked up the bag the agent had dropped. "Yeah. I know," he said gruffly. "I know you love her, but I just don’t know if she’s going to be strong enough to do this… and I don’t know how she’ll live with herself if she doesn’t." He closed the car trunk with only slightly more force than necessary and started up the path to the house, knowing that Paul would only be a few steps behind.

As soon as they entered the house, they saw Alex on the sofa and looked around the room for Monica.

"Alex, what’s wrong? Where’d Monica go?" Paul asked.

His wife looked up at them and her face was a picture of guilt. "She asked about Grady… and I told her." She paused long enough to take a breath. "I told her about the trial and she ran out of here like a bat out of hell. I heard the bathroom door slam. I think she’s still there."

The blond angel barely waited to hear the end of Alex’s sentence before he started down the hall.

"I should have known better… I shouldn’t have told her," Alex berated herself.

"Sweetie, you didn’t know how she’d react, and she asked you. I don’t know about you, but I can’t lie to them," he said with a slight grin, hoping to make her smile. "It’s almost like lying to God."

Alex let out a little laugh, but then her sad eyes met Paul’s. "Yes, but there had to have been a better way. I…"

Paul knew that at least part of her guilt was still held over from the death of her friend, and he sat down on the sofa and slung his arm about her shoulders. "You have been good for her, baby. You, more than any of us, knew what she’d need. Don’t beat yourself up about this. You know she wouldn’t want that."

"I suppose not." She looked up as she heard footsteps coming back down the hallway, and was surprised when Andrew came into view.

"She’s not in the bathroom. Tess is in the bedroom and she says she didn’t even hear her leave."

Alex glanced outside at where the rain continued to fall. "You don’t think she went outside?" she suggested, hoping that she was wrong.

A look of panic spread across Andrew’s face and he bolted to the back door. "Her shoes are gone!" he shouted, and before the two agents were even out of their seats they heard the door open, and Andrew shouting Monica’s name out into the rain.

Chapter 8

All she knew was that she was running faster and harder then she ever had before as if evil itself was breathing down her neck. She passed the stable, her feet unsteady in the mud from the day’s rain, and she stumbled and fell before scrambling back to her feet. She was filthy now, both inside and out, and all she wanted to do was to run as far away from it as possible. Away from sympathetic glances, nightmares, sleeping pills and everything else she deemed as being wrong with her.

The tears mixed with the rain as she raced into the woods, never once slowing down even as branches from the trees slashed up against her face and body. It was never going to get any easier. They had all lied to her, because nothing had been easier so far. The hard part should have been over when that man had rolled off of her, but the pain kept piling up with every new thing that was thrown her way.

She couldn’t testify! She couldn’t! She couldn’t face a jury full of strangers deciding if she had been at fault and odds were already piled up against her. She had been out in the middle of the night, dressed nicely and walking down a bad part of town. They would see her as asking for it, when nothing could be further from the truth. She couldn’t bear a lawyer demanding answers from her, asking her if she had screamed, had she said no, had she fought. She couldn’t bear seeing him again.

Yet if she didn’t testify, he went free. The horrible injustice of this truth ripped through her and caused a sob to escape her. Her legs felt weak and she slowed down to a fast walk. She had no idea where she was and she no longer cared. Andrew, Paul and Alex wanted him to go to jail; they wanted to see him pay for what he had done to her because they loved her, no matter how damaged she now was. But what was being asked of her was impossible. She wished he had just killed her. It would have been easier than facing what lay ahead in the minutes, hours and days that proceeded her shame.

If she were truly still an angel, she wouldn’t be questioning why this had happened in the first place. Tess had said God was always with her, but how could He have been that night? Why was He still allowing her to have to go through this? He had healed her before of physical problems, but the problem that filled her heart, soul and mind, He left unattended.

Blinded by tears, she stumbled and fell once more, her hands breaking her fall. She didn’t move for a moment, crying too desperately to even want to. She wanted to just lie down and sleep away the rest of eternity so she wouldn’t have to face it. She wasn’t strong enough.

Rising to her knees, soaking wet hair matted against her face, she turned her reddened eyes to the sky and at the rain that poured down all around her, "Why?" Her voice was choked, pleading, angry, "Why did You let this happen to me? You could have stopped it! Tess said You were with me and if You were with me, You could have made him stop! You could have sent Andrew sooner! You could have…let me die…" The pain poured from the depths of her soul, "Now You won’t even fix it! You won’t take it away from me! What am I supposed to do? Tell me! What am I supposed to do?" Her stomach was burning and she wrapped her arms around herself, afraid she might be sick again. Her heart physically hurt from everything she was holding inside of her; that she had been holding inside of her. "I can’t do this…I don’t know how…and there is nobody here who can show me…it hasn’t happened to them…I don’t…I don’t even trust You right now…I trusted You to keep me safe and You didn’t! What did I do? What did I do that was so wrong to deserve this? Just tell me and I’ll make it right…just take this away…take this away…"

Completely defeated, the little angel laid down on the cold, wet ground and closed her eyes, hoping with the little bit of hope that was left within her soul that when she opened them, the sun would be shining and her nightmare would be over.

*****

"Damn it! Where could she have gone?" Paul ran a hand through his hair as they finished searching the stables, but finding no sign of Monica.

"We have to find her, Paul," Andrew uttered, the pain in his eyes unmistakable, "She can’t be out there alone for long. She’ll be terrified." He knew she wasn’t thinking straight and that terrified him.

"Saddle up the horses," the agent demanded, immediately taking charge, "We’ll split up. She has to be out there somewhere and she couldn’t have gone that far. We’ll meet back here in an hour."

Alex and Andrew were already grabbing the saddles and laying them across the horses, their sense of urgency fueling their efforts.

"Andrew, I’m sorry. I never should have said anything, but she figured it out. She asked me specifically if she would have to testify…"

"It isn’t your fault, Alex," He shook his head as he lowered it to cinch the saddle.

"I couldn’t lie to her, but now I wish I had. This could have waited until she was stronger," Alex felt on the verge of tears. It was pouring outside and Monica was out there in it somewhere because of something she had said.

"The trial is in four weeks, Alex. I’m not sure ‘stronger’ would even happen by then. She’s had too much thrown at her the last few days and she’s barely coping as it is. There never would have been a good time to tell her."

"You two ready?" Paul had already mounted Scout and looked at his wife and friend.

Andrew gave a determined nod, as he swung up on his horse, "Let’s go." He wished he knew what was going to be more difficult; finding her, or helping her to find her already shaky footing again once he had.

*****

Paul could see no trace of the little angel anywhere in the fields, so that just left the woods and he cursed under his breath. It would be like looking for a needle in a haystack. She had obviously gone farther than he had estimated. He wanted to be the one to find her. For a week he had felt like he had been on the outside looking in, clearly seeing her pain and despair, but not being permitted to help her and it had been damn near unbearable to him. He didn’t have sister, and in his mind he had adopted her, angel or not. She had worked her way into his heart nearly two years ago and now when hers was breaking, he couldn’t even get close enough to even begin to help pick up any of the pieces of it.

He slowed Scout’s trot as he entered into the woods, his frantic eyes searching everywhere as he journeyed deeper and deeper into the forest. It was hopeless. She could be anywhere and he found his eyes turning upwards, "Hey, Big Guy, a little help here?"

Almost immediately he heard her muffled sobs to his right and he spurred Scout on until he saw her lying crumpled on the ground, "Monica!" He was already praying that she hadn’t been hurt as he swung down off the horse and ran to her side, "Honey?" He reached for her, hoping with everything in him that she wouldn’t pull away, and much to his surprise, when he lifted her little body into his arms, she buried her face against his chest. Closing his eyes, he offered thanks before turning his attention solely on her.

"You scared the hell out of us, little angel, running off like that," He could feel the shaking of her shoulders and the way she shook her head slightly as if there was something she just couldn’t understand and he knew it had nothing to do with what he had just said. "Talk to me, honey, please? I want to help; we all want to help, but you have to let us."

"Paul…I can’t testify..I can’t…" Her voice was pleading but she wasn’t even sure for what. For someone to tell her it was okay perhaps, "How can I tell all those people what he did? How can I tell them the names he called me and how he touched me? How can I listen to someone trying to blame me? I didn’t want it to happen…I’d give anything to go back and have walked down a different street…it was hard enough to tell Andrew the details…how can I be expected to defend them?"

As her voice broke off, Paul held her tightly in his arms, even as he blinked back tears. He wanted to get her out of the rain and into dry clothes, but he was not about to put off helping her long enough to do that. Moving slightly, he shrugged out of the hooded raincoat he wore and wrapped it around her trembling form as he spoke softly to her, "You shouldn’t have to be expected to defend yourself, little angel and it pisses me off that this is how it works. You’re going to feel like you are the one on trial and there is no fairness in that," He pulled away and laid a hand on her cheek as he looked into her eyes, "It’s all a bunch of legal bullshit, sweetheart, but you know what? As much as we all want to see this bastard to go jail for a long time, we care about you more. If you say you can’t do it, then you can’t do it and no one is going to be angry, upset or even inconvenienced by that decision. If they are, they’ll have to answer to me."

Monica sniffled and felt herself letting out a half-hysterical giggle at his words before pulling back to look at him.

"If I don’t testify… he could hurt someone else," she said sadly. It wasn’t a question, it was a fact.

"Monica, that doesn’t make it your responsibility…"

She glanced upwards and then settled her head on his shoulder once more. "Yes it does," she murmured. "I just don’t know how I can do it."

Paul’s eyes hardened as he held her closer. "Sweetie, not even God could expect something from you that you’re not ready to do."

A small tremor was enough to shake her whole body and Paul quickly scooped her into his arms. It was time to get her back to the house. They could deal with the rest of the aftermath there.

Gently lifting her onto Scout’s back he instructed her to hold on and then swung up behind her a moment later and pulled her back into his arms again. "I’ve got you. Just rest. We’ll be back to the house in two shakes," he whispered into her ear. "C’mon boy, let’s get this little angel back home," he clucked to Scout, and the horse took off at a gentle canter that quickly ate up the ground and carried them out of the woods.

As they broke free of the trees Paul saw Alex and Andrew galloping across the field from the other direction. "I’ve got her!" he shouted, and could see the relief in their body language even though he was too far away to see it in their faces.

They all converged on the barn and Andrew was off his horse and at Paul’s side almost before they came to a halt. "Where was she? Is she all right?" He asked as he reached up and lifted her from Paul’s lap. "Monica, are you all right?" he asked the little angel directly as he gently set her on the ground, wondering if her legs would even hold her up.

"I’m not hurt," she said, immediately sorry for having caused so much worry.

"Well you look like you’re hurt," Alex cut in, her eyes taking note of every scratch.

Monica self-consciously lifted a hand to her face, feeling the stinging pain for the first time. "Just scratches," she insisted.

"Well they’re ‘just scratches’ that we’re going to take care of, Angel," Andrew told her. "I’ll take her up to the house," he said abruptly. "Will you two be all right with the horses?"

"Not a problem. Get her warmed up and cleaned up. We’ll see you in a few," Paul said while thinking that it might be more than a few. He was glad that he had been able to at least say his piece to Monica, but one look at his still guilt stricken wife was enough to tell him that he needed to have a little heart-to-heart with her as well.

Andrew had his arm around Monica’s waist as he led her up the path, but the instant that she stumbled he swept her into his arms. She was cold and tired and hurting, and he wasn’t wasting anymore time. Thankfully, she made no argument, simply wrapped her arms around his neck and held on.

"I’m sorry," he heard her whisper as they approached the house.

"Nothing to be sorry for," he replied. He had said the words many times, but he wasn’t sure she ever really believed them.

Tess was at the back door with towels and she flung it open and ushered them in, immediately fussing over her young charge. Andrew watched for a moment, and then when the little angel flinched as a slightly deeper cut was cleansed, he suddenly turned and left the room. He didn’t go far, just down the hallway and back again, pacing as he ran his fingers through his hair, the frustration seeming to flow from his very pores.

"How long?" He asked silently as he stared up at the ceiling. "How much more does she have to go through? Why aren’t You helping her?" Inside he was yelling those questions and if he had been alone he would have shouted them aloud and made the windows rattle.

The answer came, filled with sadness. "My child, she is not the only one who has ever suffered."

Andrew’s heart thudded and tears pricked at his eyes. Of course He was right. How many women had been accosted, raped or even worse? He had helped some of them, and some he had even taken Home. God hadn’t wanted any of them to be hurt, but unfortunately free will took it out of His hands. Yes, He could have stopped it, He could have stopped any of them. He could even reach down and steal the pain from Monica at that very moment, but He had a wider vision; a perfectly clear view of how everything was going to work out, and as horrible and hollow as it sounded to Andrew’s ears, there was still a plan much bigger than all of them. At that moment, Andrew didn’t want to think about bigger plans, or more important destinies. All he cared about was one fragile little angel who needed him to be strong for her.

"How are you doing?" he asked as he stepped back into the kitchen.

"Nothing too horrible, baby," Tess replied when Monica remained silent. "I think what she really needs is a change of clothes and a nice nap."

"That sounds like a plan to me, what about you?" Andrew said as he crouched beside her chair.

A nod was her only reply, but he was grateful for whatever he could get. A sharp pang in his heart, however, had him wondering if the previous night, and being permitted to hold her, was now once again a thing of the past.

*****

"Alex." Paul took hold of her arm as she tried to brush past him on her way out of the stables and he saw her shoulders slump in resignation, "You are not at fault for what happened. Monica asked and you told her the truth-."

"I was too abrupt, Paul, too honest. She wasn’t ready to even think about this," She shook head, clearly disgusted with herself, "You or Andrew would have done it better."

"But she didn’t ask me or Andrew, and she had ample opportunity to ask him. She asked you, honey. The last thing she needed was for you to lie to her or hold the information from her. She deserved to know," As he spoke, he wrapped his arms around her waist and pulled her closer to him, feeling her sigh as she rested her head against his shoulder.

She was quiet for a moment, before she asked, "Is she all right? Is she going to testify?"

"With some time to get used to the idea, I think she will, but I think she needed to know that she wouldn’t be letting any of us down if she chose not to. You know what the trial will be like, Alex…"

"Yes and it isn’t fair, Paul. All the rape cases I’ve sat through and they’re all the same. These woman have already been through so damn much and then they are confronted with some cocky defense attorney who wants to bully the hell out of them," She shook her head angrily, "I don’t want to see her go through that."

"None of us do and as much as I want this son of a bitch in prison, I don’t want anyone making her feel like she has to do this. Whatever she decides is between her and God. We have to trust that if she goes ahead with this, that He will make her strong enough to see it through."

"You’re right," Alex relented at last as she pulled away and touched his jaw, "You generally are," She smiled as he chuckled before she let out another little sigh, "I just wish I knew what we could do to make her feel a little better."

He kissed her tenderly before glancing out at the rain, "I think tonight we’ll build a fire in the living room, maybe even rustle up some marshmallows and hot chocolate. Maybe she’ll join us, as being in her room has got to be getting old. Maybe that is why she ran today."

"I think that sounds like a wonderful idea," She agreed, looking up into his eyes. For all his faults, she wouldn’t trade him for anyone in the world. God had blessed her and now she only prayed that He would find a way to bless a hurting little angel.

Andrew had convinced Monica to grab a hot shower before she tried to take a nap and he was waiting for her in her bedroom when she emerged, warmly dressed in the fleece tracksuit he had bought her last week. He was sitting in the chair beside of her bed, unwilling to assume anything, "Better?"

She gave a little shrug as she climbed onto the bed and lay down, the tiredness reaching to every part of her body. Looking up at him, she moved over; a clear indication that she wanted him with her.

He didn’t hesitate in joining her, waiting until she had slowly moved into his arms to encircle her. He didn’t speak as he was not about to push her. If she needed or wanted to talk, he would patiently allow her to take the lead, though he was relieved when he didn’t have to wait for long.

"I talked to God," Her voice was quiet and slightly hoarse from crying earlier, "I don’t know if He heard me or not, but I needed to tell Him how angry I was…how confused…." Her fingers wrapped around his shirt and she left out a trembling breath, "And about how I wasn’t sure if I could trust Him right now."

Andrew closed his eyes briefly as he kissed the top of her head, "Angel, I think all those feelings are perfectly normal and you are more than entitled to them. And I think God understands that too.’

She gave a tiny nod as she felt her eyelids start to grow heavy, but there was more she wanted to say, "You hit him. You broke his jaw."

"He got off easy," He replied tightly, swallowing down his anger for her sake. He didn’t know how his actions would make her feel and he waited to see if she would say anymore.

"I’m not sorry you did," the words were softer than a whisper and he had to smile.

"Neither am I. If Paul hadn’t stopped me it would have been a lot worse. I wanted to break every bone in his body and it still wouldn’t have been what he deserved."

A small sob escaped her, feeling overwhelmed with his unconditional love for her and his need to defend her, even after the fact. She would not trade this angel in for anything in the universe, "I’m going to testify." The words were out of her mouth before she even realized she had said them, "I have to."

"You don’t have to do anything, angel," But she was already shaking her head up against his chest.

"I’d never forgive myself if I didn’t…if he hurt anyone else…will you be there?"

"You wouldn’t be able to keep me away," His voice was firm and he tightened his hold on her ever so slightly.

"I’m scared."

"I know, sweetie, but you are stronger then you realize sometimes."

"Not now," Her voice held incredible sadness that Andrew could feel vibrating in his own heart.

"You are doing just fine, angel. It may not feel that way, but you are," He felt her inch closer and he welcomed the intimacy of the embrace, even as he fought back his resurfacing emotions, "In fact, I think you are just perfect."

As her eyes slid closed in sleep, she murmured wearily, "No. Not perfect…not anymore."

He knew she couldn’t feel it, but he leaned in and kissed her forehead lightly. "Yes you are… to me you are more perfect than anything else in God’s creation and I won’t stop trying until you believe that."

That was what he hated more than anything else. Physical pain faded with time, and he knew how to help with that. These thoughts that the rape had somehow planted in her mind were much harder to get rid of and much more damaging. Scars faded. It was a provable fact. But how could he prove to her that she was still just as pure and innocent as she had ever been? It hurt him to know that although his love for her had grown, she didn’t even consider herself worthy of it anymore.

Leaning back against the pillows he thought about his conflicting emotions and slowly felt his own eyelids drooping. The lack of sleep was finally catching up to him, and within minutes he was asleep.

Chapter 9

Andrew woke to someone insistently shaking his shoulder, and sleepily blinked his eyes open to see Tess smiling down at him. Her broad smile was something he hadn’t seen in over a week and it instantly lightened his heart, driving more disturbing thoughts back to the shadows, at least for the moment.

"Tess, what’s going on?" He asked curiously. He was glad to see her happy, but obviously something had happened to bring out her cheerful nature, because she had looked just as defeated and worn out as him only hours earlier.

"Dinner’s just about ready and you need to wake up Monica and get her out to the living room," Tess answered him with an enigmatic smile and a twinkling eye.

He glanced down at the angel he held, noting the way her features twitched slightly, even in sleep. "I don’t know if she’s going to feel up to leaving her room," he said sadly.

"Trust me, Angel Boy… she’ll be glad she did, and I have every confidence that you’re just the one to convince her of that." She raised one eyebrow and then patted his shoulder before turning and leaving the room, pausing to toss one more grin over her shoulder before she closed the door.

Turning his attention back to Monica, Andrew pondered the best way to wake her up without startling her. Very gently he traced one finger along her delicate jawline, and kissed the top of her head.

"Monica," he said softly. "Angel, it’s time to wake up," he continued as he very carefully moved his hand to her shoulder and squeezed. "C’mon… open those eyes for me," he coaxed as he gave her the smallest of shakes.

The Irish angel hadn’t slept soundly in days, and without the aid of pills she was never far from consciousness and so it didn’t take more than that small shake to make her eyes spring open. Her heart pounded and she was instantly alert.

"It’s all right," Andrew said apologetically as he eased his hold on her. "You’re safe."

She felt her heart quickly slow to normal at the sound of his voice and tilted her face up to meet his eyes. "I know I am."

His lips curled into a grateful smile as he said, "Tess just told me that dinner is ready and your presence is requested in the living room."

"Living room?" she repeated, mouth taking on a worried pucker.

"Yes, and you’ll be just fine," he insisted as he disentangled himself from her and got off the bed. He had decided that the best tact would be to simply act as if there was no other option.

"But dinner? I don’t think…" her stomach instantly tightened at the mere thought of food.

"Monica," he said gently as he moved back to her side. "I know how hard it is, but you have to eat. You’ve already lost too much weight."

She looked down, embarrassed. "I’m just not hungry," she said as she worried her lip between her teeth, only looking up when he cupped her chin in his hand.

"Don’t hide yourself from me, angel. I know how hard it is and you have nothing to be ashamed of. I know how hard you’re trying and I’m just asking you to try just a little bit harder… just for tonight. I swear, if you’re too uncomfortable we’ll come straight back to this room."

His words were urging, but not demanding and it was easy for her to see that he just wanted what was best for her, and nothing else. She slowly nodded her head.

"Will you grab the navy shirt out of the closet for me?" she asked.

Andrew knew the one she meant, it was so big it looked like a hand-me-down from Paul, but he didn’t even hesitate as he went to the closet and quickly pulled it off its hanger.

"Here you are," he said as he approached her. She was standing by the bed and he wasn’t sure if he should just hand it to her or hold it open. He took the risk and was grateful when she shyly turned her back and let him help her into it, tenderly freeing her hair from the collar and giving her shoulders a loving squeeze.

"I think I’m ready," she said as she turned to face him again, and together they left the room and headed down the hall.

When they reached the living room Andrew couldn’t hold back his smile or the little chuckle that bubbled up from his chest. Most of the furniture had been pushed to the side and a crackling fire was roaring in the hearth. A picnic blanket was set out on the floor, and a basket overflowing with food sat on one corner. Alex had managed to dig up a ‘sounds of nature’ CD and birdsongs floated lightly in the air, accompanied by the sound of a soft breeze.

"We thought a carpet picnic was in order," Alex declared. "Since it’s too nasty to go outside, we have brought the outside, in."

Monica was surprised to feel a smile spread across her face. They had gone to so much effort, just for her. Just to make her feel comfortable and at ease. She had spent so much time telling herself how unworthy she was that she had forgotten the fact that she hadn’t sent that particular memo to any of the people who loved her. Emotion threatened to choke her but Andrew’s strong hand at her elbow suddenly eased the tightness from her heart.

"Thank you," she said, the sincerity shining in her dark eyes. She looked at each one of them as she sat down cross-legged on the blanket, hardly seeing anything but the affection they felt for her. "It all looks wonderful."

*****

Over the course of the next few days, Andrew watched some improvement in his friend, even though at times he had to look closely to see it. There were still nightmares, but the panic attacks just as she was drifting off to sleep had more or less subsided. He would give a soft knock on her door each night at bedtime, to find her sitting on the edge of her bed waiting for him, refusing to try to sleep without the warmth of his body beneath her and his arms safely surrounding her. She continuously tried to rid herself of taking the sleeping pills, but her troubled mind relied on them too heavily and he knew that eventually, he was going to have to intercede, but he was putting it off as long as possible.

She rarely spoke of what had happened to her in those minutes before she fell asleep and exhaustion would claim her rather quickly still. The older angel imagined it had to do with the struggle that was still raging inside of her that she was working so hard to keep at bay during her waking hours and though he wished she would confide in him more, he refused to push. But he still occasionally saw glimpses of a pain that ran deep in her soul.

Alex and Paul had resumed work, but had made the decision to push paperwork from the house and Andrew knew neither of them, especially Paul was willing to journey back into the city with Monica still so fragile. This came as a great relief to him, as keeping the little angel occupied, they had discovered, was the best way to keep her mind off all that had happened as well as the court date that was looming ahead of them. Andrew was dreaded it, afraid of another setback in her recovery, but she had not changed her mind about testifying. He couldn’t imagine her having to face Grady and he knew she was terrified of that moment as well. She still hadn’t so much as asked for his name; she knew all she needed to know about him.

Monica had only had one small panic attack in the daylight hours the day that Paul had been out on the porch when he knocked over a glass drink bottle. The sound of it rolling down the porch had caused Monica to whirl around from where she had been standing in the kitchen, her eyes wild with fear as they had searched for the man she was expecting to see. Andrew had remembered the feeling he had gotten when his foot had touched the glass bottle the night of her rape; the feeling that Monica had also touched it and it hadn’t taken him long to put two and two together.

He had approached her carefully, taking her face into his hands until her frightened eyes found his and he held her gaze until the trembling had stopped and her rapidly quickening breathing had gone back to normal. His touch still calmed her and for that he was eternally grateful. There were still terribly long bouts of silence from her, when her thoughts would be miles away, but she was starting to reach out more for help, seemingly accepting that though she didn’t feel she deserved their love any longer, they still gave it to her unconditionally. Now, when her thoughts became dark or frightening, he was no longer surprised to find her curling up the sofa next to him and he was quick to pull her close without question, knowing it was what she was seeking.

It was during one of those moments that Paul and Alex approached them and the expression on their faces told the two angels that this was not going to be a light and fluffy conversation. Monica’s expression was instantly wary and Andrew tightened his hold on her slightly.

"We need to talk," Paul announced as he and Alex took seats on the love seat across from them, "Actually, we have a proposition."

"Okay," Andrew kept his voice light intentionally in hopes of putting Monica more at ease, "Let’s hear it."

Husband and wife exchanged a glance before Alex began to speak, "The trial is less than three weeks away, you both know that. Paul and I thought it might make it a little easier on you, Monica, if we have a little dry run…here."

Andrew felt the little angel lean into him more heavily as she found her voice, "I don’t understand…"

Rising from his seat, Paul moved to kneel down in front of the angel, "Honey, this guy’s defense attorney is good and the son of a bitch is going to do everything he can to rake you over the coals. It isn’t personal, but it is his job. Alex and I were up all night last night worrying about you…about this. We don’t want you to have any surprises while you are on the stand and the only solution to that would be to make you familiar with the questions he is going to be asking you; questions that you are expected to answer." He laid a gentle hand on her knee, "There is nothing we can do to make this trial easier for you, but maybe we can make it a little less uncomfortable if you know what to expect."

Monica met his eyes before looking up at Andrew. She could see hesitation in his expression, but also support for whatever she decided.

"It’s up to you, angel," He stated softly, putting aside his own discomfort with it. He knew Paul well enough that he would be truthful with what he was asking her, and that was what scared him.

She looked back to Paul and then to Alex. She trusted them explicitly; it was herself she wasn’t all that sure of.

"You’ve been doing so much better, honey," Alex added quickly, "This could easily make you stronger," Paul had been resistant to the idea, but she had managed to convince him. She knew Edward LeSalle personally; he was one of the best defense lawyers in Boston and the last thing she wanted to see was for him to destroy the little angel on the stand. A dry run would have her surrounded by those who loved her, as opposed to the courtroom where to Monica, they would all seem a hundred miles away.

"All right," Monica heard herself saying, even as a slight tremble went through her body, knowing it had not gone unnoticed by Andrew.

"Angel, are you sure?" He was watching her closely, his green eyes laden with worry. He knew she had not put the rape behind her, instead she was trying to bury it and he had a feeling her current emotional state would make her want to do whatever pleased those who had been taking care of her.

She gave a little nod of her head as she looked back to Paul, "When?"

"How about this afternoon? Alex has seen this guy in action and has prepared a list of questions already." He made no mention of his wife’s angry outburst last night when she had been working on it and the tears that had been in her eyes when she had told him "This asshole is going to fucking destroy her, Paul!" It hadn’t been a gentle ease in to the conversation that had followed when she had presented him with the idea, but it had been a real eye opener for him.

"All right," Monica consented as Paul gave her knee a little squeeze.

Once the two agents had left them alone once more, Andrew turned in his seat to look into her eyes, "Monica, if you aren’t absolutely sure about this-."

"I’m not," She interrupted softly as she faced him and then he could see the pain in her eyes, "But when the real thing happens, I have no choice. I’d rather know what to expect from myself here then to find out in three weeks."

He let out a sigh as his hand brushed along her cheek, "I’ll be right here with you, just like I will be in three weeks."

She nodded her head, knowing it was not quite the truth. Yes, he would be in the courtroom…watching her along with everyone else who didn’t know her at all.

"I… I think I’d like to spend some time alone…" Monica said slowly, knowing that her words would hurt the sensitive angel in front of her. She hated to do it, but if she was going to be expected to answer questions about that night, then she needed time to collect herself. She had spent the past weeks trying to drive those memories as deep as they would go, and bringing them up again was going to require all of her strength. She hoped with all her heart that it would be enough.

Andrew dropped his hand from her face and stepped back. "Of course. Whatever you need," he told her, not meeting her eye.

She quickly caught his hand in hers and held it tightly. "It’s not you. I just need to think."

"I know that, angel. You go do what you need to do. I’ll be waiting if you need me."

He was ashamed that she had so quickly picked up on his disappointment. She shouldn’t have to think about his feelings but as usual she was. She gently touched the side of his face as she turned to leave the room, and the simple gesture sent a tremor straight to his heart. At least that he was adept at concealing from her. He’d had nearly a week to adjust to the feelings that a mere touch of her hand produced. He watched her as she walked slowly to her room, and let out a long sigh as the door closed, still shutting him out of the hardest part of her existence.

*****

When she emerged from her room several hours later and walked into the kitchen all eyes were on her as she said, "I’m ready. Do you want me in the living room?"

Paul shook his head. He had decided that if they were going to do this they were going to do it in a room that she wouldn’t have to spend any time in afterwards. The last thing he wanted to do was send her back into seclusion in her room.

"I’ve set up the study instead," he answered as he stood up.

Alex held him back as Andrew and Monica and Tess led the way into the seldom used study. "I’ve changed my mind, Paul," she said as she shook her head, her eyes glassy with tears. "I don’t think this is a good idea. Let’s not do it."

Paul felt the muscle in his jaw working as he tenderly ran his hand up her arm to her shoulder. "Sweetheart, you were right the first time. We have to do this. It will be better for her to see what she’s in for here… surrounded by those who love her."

"But Paul… she’s been doing so much better…"

"And God will give her the strength to get through this and continue to get better." He smiled as he ran his thumb over her cheek, catching the one stray tear that had escaped. "Don’t make me teach you that lesson about trusting Him, again."

Alex managed a small watery smile. "I believe that Monica was the one who taught me that," she countered.

He smiled wider and pulled her close for a quick kiss. "Then I’m sure you don’t want to disappoint her by doubting it now."

Andrew and Tess had taken seats on the leather loveseat, but Monica was still standing awkwardly in the middle of the room when Alex and Paul entered. Alex took a deep breath and sat down behind the desk and Paul motioned for Monica to sit down in the chair that had been positioned beside it.

"Not exactly an exact replica, but you’ve seen a courtroom before," Paul said. "I think we can dispense with the swearing to tell the truth," he continued with a wink, hoping to lighten the mood slightly and set the little angel at ease.

She knew what he was trying to do and mustered a little grin of her own, but it only lasted for seconds before the worried look was back on her face. Her hands gripped the chair seat and her heartbeat was already beginning to speed up. Paul clutched the list of questions in his hand, hating the fact that he was the one who had to ask them.

"All right," he began. "You’ll be called by the prosecuting attorney and she’s the one who’ll ask you to tell what happened." He watched as Monica’s eyes dropped to her lap. "I’m not going to ask you to repeat all that now. You’ll have a meeting with her just before the trial and you will have to answer her questions then, but she’ll be as gentle and kind as she can, Monica. She’s there to help you and Alex tells me that she’s very good."

Monica looked at Alex for confirmation, relieved when the agent smiled and nodded.

"So what I’m going to do now is ask the questions that Gr—that his attorney is going to ask."

"Okay… ask me," Monica said as she clenched her jaw and tried to harden her heart against what she knew would be difficult questions.

Paul turned away for a moment and when he faced her again his eyes were hard and Monica felt some of her resolve fade. "On the night in question, it was raining, correct?" he asked, straining to keep the emotion out of his voice.

"Y-yes," she answered voice wavering, and then, "Yes it was," she repeated, stronger.

"And you were wandering around Piedmont Street at two in the morning. Can you tell us why?"

Monica glanced around the room nervously. "I was looking for some friends… we were supposed to be working and… and I got lost…"

"So you were meeting friends in the middle of the night?"

"Y-yes," she replied, and this time she didn’t repeat herself.

"What kind of work do you do?"

Monica felt a kind of panic sweep over her. Obviously she couldn’t tell a room full of people that she was an angel. "We help people," she answered.

"You help people in the middle of the night?"

Monica shrugged. "S-sometimes."

With every answer her voice got weaker and Paul felt like a bastard for putting her through it. He hadn’t even gotten to the difficult questions yet. "You told the court that the defendant raped you." The word seemed to hang in the air long after it was said. No one had spoken it in her presence. It had always been "hurt" or "injured" or even "assaulted", but never raped.

"Yes… he did," Monica’s answer was barely audible.

"Yet you were walking in a bad area of town, in the middle of the night, dressed in your ‘working clothes’" he put a snide emphasis on those words that made the little angel flinch, "and you never imagined that to be a bad idea?"

"I… no… I was just…"

"Looking for your friends, I know. And your claim is that the defendant is not your friend. That it wasn’t reasonable for him to assume that a woman walking that street in the middle of the night, in the rain might be looking for a different kind of work?"

"No… that isn’t… he dragged me… I tried to scream…" Monica could feel the tears welling up in her eyes and she could barely see.

"If he grabbed you from behind, in the dark, in the rain, how can you even be certain that the defendant is the man you claim…"

"I remember! I know it was him! I know! I’ll never forget! Never in a hundred years! Never!" Monica was screaming and Paul dropped the now crumpled sheet of paper and let it drift to the floor.

Andrew was on his feet an instant later shouting, "That’s enough! What the hell are you doing? What the hell are you trying to prove?" He pushed the agent out of the way as he knelt in front of the little angel. "Angel Girl, baby, it’s all right. It’s all right. Shh…"

"I know who it was, Andrew… He raped me… He did! I swear I begged him not to! Please, please, won’t they believe me?" Her tortured eyes went right through him and he gathered her into his arms and lifted her up.

"We’re done here," he said angrily as he once again pushed his way past Paul.

"Andrew… Paul was just…" Tess started, trying to smooth things over.

"He went too far!" Andrew growled and then he quickly carried Monica from the room and the next sound they heard was the little angel’s bedroom door slamming shut.

Chapter 10

Paul lowered his head, having never felt worse in his life. Monica was an angel of truth and even assignments who didn’t want to accept God could not deny that it was truth she was telling. The thought of anyone doubting her was a concept she just couldn’t grasp nor understand and what made it even worse was that she shouldn’t have to.

Looking over, he saw that Alex had her face buried in her hands and his heart broke all over again. The two most important females in his life and he had them both in tears, "Alex," He whispered miserably as he approached her and knelt down in front of her, "Baby, I’m sorry. I should have listened…"

"I never should have suggested it," She uttered tearfully, "It seemed like a good idea at the time, but I was wrong! What does it matter if a jury destroys her? We just damn near did that ourselves and she’s our friend!"

Paul gathered her close as she managed to pull herself together, "You’re right, baby. The intentions were good, but she isn’t ready and there is no way she is going to be ready in three weeks. Our priority has always been justice, but now I’m seeing justice in a different light altogether."

She pulled away as he wiped at her tears, "Yes, me too."

*****

"I swear, Andrew, I tried to stop him…I tried so hard…I didn’t want it to happen…I promise I didn’t…I wouldn’t lie…you know I wouldn’t lie…"

Andrew had been all but cradling the little angel in his lap for the last five minutes and she had yet to stop her pleading. He was so damn mad at Paul he could barely see straight, but he forced the emotion aside, "Angel, sweetie, please…you don’t have to justify anything to me. I know the truth, Monica and you have nothing to prove…shh, Angel, please, calm down…"

She was shaking her head as her entire body shook in his embrace. "I want it to be over, Andrew…I can’t do this anymore…when I told you…when I described him to Alex… I thought it was over…not so much what I feel inside, but at least how much I had to talk about it…but now… I not only have to talk about it, but I have to convince strangers who now know I was…I was…raped…that’s really what it was…that I wasn’t asking him to do it to me." Another ragged sob escaped her as she continued, part of what she had been keeping in her heart was no longer willing to be silenced, "Wasn’t it bad enough that it happened to me? Why do I have to convince other people that it did?"

Andrew remained silent, hearing the pain finally coming from her. He didn’t want to interrupt. He wanted her to speak it so he could start to heal it, "What else, angel?" He whispered tenderly, hoping she would take his gentle coaxing and release her pent up emotions.

"There is so much I don’t understand, Andrew…just so much…"

"Like what, Monica. You can tell me," He continued to hold her in his arms, rocking her slowly as he kissed the top of her head.

"How any of you can even look at me…or still love me…I can’t even look at myself…I hate what I see, Andrew… I hate it… and it happens again and again, night after night in my dreams… I wake up feeling filthy… feeling violated… angels are supposed to be pure, but I’m not… and I never will be again… I keep trying to think of what I could have done differently… how I could have stopped it… I keep wondering if I am all those things he called me… when I think of myself, those are the words I hear now… not angel, not child of God… He didn’t even know me, Andrew… he didn’t even know me… he didn’t love me… he didn’t care about how I felt or if he was hurting me… he didn’t lose anything that night… but I… I lost everything…"

Tears were burning in his eyes. There was so much pain emerging from her that he could hardly breathe, but yet he held her more tightly than he ever had before. "No, you didn’t," He whispered after he could finally speak, "I know you can’t see it, Monica, but we’re all still here and nothing about what happened to you has changed how we feel about you. I love you, Angel Girl. I love you so much and would do anything to take this pain from you. It breaks my heart to see you hurting like this, but let me give you some new words to think about; the things that come to my mind when I look at you. Beautiful, compassionate, child-like, innocent…"

"No! I’ll never be-."

"Yes," He stated more firmly as he caught her cheek in his hand and looked into her red and swollen eyes before his voice dropped to a whisper, "Yes, angel. He can’t take any of those things from you. They are too much a part of who you are; of who God created you to be and no matter how much you tell yourself they aren’t true, they are what I always see when I look at you."

She was looking up at him through tears and he felt his heart stir with the emotions he had been battling. She looked as if she was searching his eyes for something that she didn’t quite understand and his breath caught in his throat.

A knock at the door disrupted the moment and Andrew’s head shot up, suddenly feeling incredibly guilty and not sure of why. A moment later, Paul walked in and the angel’s face immediately showed his anger.

Paul saw Andrew’s expression immediately and knew he was deserving of it, but he would have to deal with how Andrew felt about him later, "Monica, I’m so sorry."

She tried to pull herself together enough to be able to speak to him, but her voice was still trembling, "No, Paul, it’s all right. I agreed to it…I just didn’t think it would be so hard. I’ll try to do better…" But he was already shaking his head.

"No, you won’t, because you aren’t testifying. I’m not putting you through that, sweetheart. You’ve been through more than enough as it is and it stops here. I just want you to get better, honey, that’s all and I’m sorry if I hindered that in any way today."

"Paul, I have to testify…he can’t just go free so he can hurt someone else…"

"Little angel, you aren’t ready to do this and that heart of yours is never going to be ready to be questioned in this way about what happened to you. You always speak the truth and you do it beautifully and I’ll be damned if I’m going to let anyone question it," He was hoping she wouldn’t argue. Seeing her up there in a court of law, feeling beaten and humiliated was not something he ever wanted to see and he had no doubt that’s what would happen to her. She was too delicate a creature to be subjected to having her spirit crushed by those who didn’t have enough conscience to keep them from defending a guilty man.

Monica looked into his eyes and saw the pain and sympathy that he held for her. He wanted to protect her. Everyone wanted to protect her, but no one had been able to that night and now she was the only one who could protect her rapist’s next victim. How could she just hide in her room and allow him to go free?

"I know that none of you understand how I can feel so guilty… but I do," her last words were whispered. "I don’t think I can take on any more guilt right now… and if I don’t at least try to testify…"

Paul looked down, crestfallen. He had been afraid that would be her answer. As usual she only wanted to help someone else, even if she didn’t know who that someone else was. Only now, thanks to him, she would have almost three weeks to replay the last half-hour in her mind and dread what was sure to come in the actual trial. What the fuck had he been thinking, pushing her so hard?

"You’ve still got time to decide, Monica. Remember what I told you… we won’t think any less of you."

Her head lifted from its place on Andrew’s chest. "I will," she said before resting her ear above the blond angel’s heart once more.

Paul’s mouth straightened into a rigid line and he nodded once before leaving the room. He wanted to fall down on his knees and keep begging her forgiveness for what he had done, but it was clear that wasn’t what she wanted or expected,, and he would only be doing it to make himself feel better. In any event, he had a feeling he’d have plenty of opportunity to beg forgiveness when Andrew got him alone.

As he closed her door quietly he nearly ran into Tess who was standing in the hallway. "Tess. Maybe you’ll give me the lecture I deserve," he said with some disgust.

Tess met his eyes and shook her head. "No, baby, that’s not what I’m here for, and I think you’re doing a fine job of tearing yourself up inside."

"Take a look at Monica and see if you still think I don’t deserve it."

"Paul, you love Monica and you didn’t want to hurt her. You were trying to prepare her for what’s going to happen."

"Yeah, well with any luck it won’t happen," he muttered, although he knew that if Monica didn’t go through with it she was right, the guilt would overwhelm her.

"No, with the grace of God, Monica will be given the strength to handle whatever happens… whether that is testifying or deciding that she isn’t able to testify."

Paul stared at her stern face for a moment and then let his mouth turn up on one side. "Yeah… as usual, you’re right. It’s a good thing you’re around to keep us all in line."

He watched as her face changed subtly, a slight look of regret settling over it. "Well, that’s the other thing, baby. I’m being called away for a little while."

"What? Now? But Monica needs you!"

"She has all of you to support her, and I have every faith in you. She understands that sometimes God’s timing isn’t our timing."

"But Tess!"

"Don’t worry. I’ll be back just as soon as I can, and until then I know that you’ll all do your best to bring that little angel back to herself again."

"Of course we will," Paul replied, realizing the futility of arguing with her.

"Good. Now let me in there. I need to tell her goodbye before I head off." She leaned forward and gave Paul a warm hug.

"Take care, Tess… not that I really need to tell you that."

"Oh, but it’s always nice to hear, baby." She slowly released him and watched him walk down the hall to the kitchen before turning her attention back to the closed bedroom door.

The light knocking made Andrew look up. "Come in," he said knowing that it couldn’t be Paul and figuring he’d be able to keep his temper in check.

"How are you two doing?" Tess asked as she entered.

Monica sniffled and wiped the back of her hand across her eyes as Andrew looked down at her, the concern evident in his face.

"I’ll be fine," Monica answered at last. "I was just…"

Tess quickly sat down on the edge of the bed and placed her warm hand over the little angel’s ice cold one. "Baby, don’t you ever talk down about what you’re feeling."

"I thought I could do it," she whispered.

"And you did. You did just fine. It takes time, Angel Girl, and you just haven’t had enough of it yet."

Monica turned to face her supervisor. "Sometimes it feels like there will never be enough time."

"I know, Baby, but keep believing in the Father, and in yourself. You will come through this, Monica."

The little angel bit her lip, but she nodded, praying that Tess was right about this as she was about most other things.

"Now, I know that neither of you are going to want to hear this, but I am being called away--"

"What? No… Tess…" the change in Monica’s face was almost instantaneous, from cautious trust to full-blown anxiety.

Andrew didn’t say a word, but the irate look on his face spoke volumes.

"It won’t be for long, and I know that you will all get along just fine without me," Tess tried to assure her.

She held back all of her pleading words, knowing that once God had spoken it was pointless to argue. Instead she settled on, "Keep praying for me?"

Tess felt tears at the back of her eyes as she leaned forward and pulled her young charge into her warm embrace. "Of course, baby. Always."

"Come back soon, Tess," were Andrew’s only words as the older angel finally broke free and stood up.

"Just as soon as I can, Andrew," she replied, as she looked from the tear-filled eyes of the Irish angel to the stoic expression on Andrew’s face. "Take care of each other, babies," she said, and then left the room quickly before she had a chance to regret this turn of events even more.

Andrew looked down as Monica rested her head against him once more and he brushed his fingers lightly through her hair, "Why don’t you try to get some sleep, sweetheart?" He felt a tremor go through her and he pulled away to look into her eyes.

The tears were falling once more and there was complete despair in her dark eyes, "God won’t send you away too, will He? "

"No, angel, no. I’m not going anywhere, I promise you that," He assured her as he swiped at her tears, "C’mon, lie down for awhile," He waited as she moved to curl up on the bed, her eyes immediately going to the ever present pill bottle on the nightstand, before she closed them. He watched as another tear fell from her eye, and could tell she was on the verge of more sobs.

"Andrew, I don’t think I can…" She opened her eyes as he reached for the pills and handed one to her, "I’m sorry," She whispered, the remorse and self-loathing evident in her eyes at needing such a thing in order to sleep.

"Please don’t apologize, angel," He waited until she had taken the pill before he pulled a blanket up over her.

"Are you staying?"

"I’ll be back, sweetie. I need to take care of something and then I’ll be here," He watched as she nodded her head sadly, thankfully too caught up in everything that had happened to catch the hint of anger that was still present in his eyes.

He had noticed Paul walking down to the stables out of Monica’s window and once he had closed her door, he headed down the path, his strides quick and purposeful. He was trying to hold onto the anger he felt, but he knew in his heart it was already beginning to diminish. He had seen the look in Paul’s eyes, but he was so frustrated with any improvement Monica made being pushed back by someone’s actions. First it had been him…

He sighed. Yes, it had been him last time and Paul had been angry, but understanding. Andrew knew his friend deserved the same treatment.

Paul looked up when the angel entered the stable. He had been expecting Andrew, which is why he had ventured away from Alex and Monica. If Andrew was as pissed off as Paul thought he was, the two ladies had no reason to overhear it.

Andrew looked over at the agent and stuffed his hands into his pockets, "I came down here to throw you up against the wall, but I guess you know that."

"The thought had crossed my mind," Paul smirked slightly, meeting the angel’s eyes, "I deserve it."

"No, you don’t. Not really. I know you feel terrible and that makes me feel a little bit better. Plus, I was the one who made a mess of it the last time and you didn’t throw any punches at me."

"Well, that comes as a relief then as you have a nasty right hook for an angel," Paul grinned and was relieved when Andrew’s lips twitched in a tiny smile, "I should have stopped questioning her sooner, buddy. I think I knew all along she would never be able to handle it, no matter how much she wanted to be able to. Problem is, those are the kinds of questions and insinuations that Grady’s attorney is going to be making and I’m not sure that three years would be enough time for her to be ready."

"No." Andrew remarked, walking over to Scout’s stall as his mind took a glimpse back at brighter days with Monica, before William Grady had ever set eyes on her, "She’s questioning everything, Paul. Herself, us…"

"Us?" Paul raised his eyebrows, clearly demanding an explanation.

"How we can look at her. How we can still love her. She sees herself now as the horrible things he called her that night and I don’t know how to change that. All I know is that I want to…but right now…"

Paul approached the angel and laid a hand on his shoulder, "Right now what, buddy?"

Andrew was silent for a long moment and when he spoke his voice was low and filled with self disgust, "Right now, I don’t even trust myself around her."

A million thoughts ran through the agent’s head, unsure of what it was Andrew was referring to, "Andrew, what the hell are you talking about?"

The angel ran a rough hand through his short, blond hair, "I don’t know…I don’t know how to explain it, Paul. My feelings for her are changing and God forgive me, I don’t know how or why this is happening, but-."

"You need to level with me, Andrew," The agent’s voice was stern, unsure if his earlier assumptions about Andrew were indeed correct, or if this was something more dark and negative. He doubted the latter, but things had been changing so quickly of late he felt as if everything were spinning out of control.

Andrew’s voice was choked when he turned to his friend, "I think you were right, Paul…I think I’m in love with her and I don’t even know when those feelings changed. Not that I can do a damn thing about it, but…this whole thing is just so fucking unfair! God created love, both the emotion and the physical act and she never had much of a notion about the physical side of things. Now, it happened to her in a cruel and violent way and she is never going to have anything to compare it to…no one to show her it was not the way being in love was intended to be. The physical side of it is only a small part of it…there is so much more and she will never understand that because of what the son of a bitch did to her!"

Paul felt torn. He was feeling both sympathy for Andrew and a fierce protection for the little angel for which he was referring to, "I hear what you are saying, Andrew, but there is no way in hell you can lay all this on her…not right now."

"I know that! Don’t you think I know that, Paul? But on the same token, these feelings are so strong right now, I’m almost afraid to be around her! Before you knocked on her door a little while ago, I was almost sure she was seeing the truth!"

Though it was Andrew who had come down to the stable to sort out Paul, it was now the agent who tightened his grip on the angel’s shoulder, "But being close to her is exactly what you are going to do, Andrew. If you pull away because of this, she is going to think it is because of an entirely different reason altogether and you will not and cannot hurt her like that. She needs you to be who you have always been for her, so I suggest that wherever these feelings came from, you stuff them back in that little box and throw away the key." He knew he was being unreasonable; that Andrew couldn’t just turn off what he was feeling for Monica anymore than he had been able to turn off what he had first felt for Alex. But the little angel was too fragile right now to be confronted with this and Paul hadn’t even had time to sort through how he felt about this sudden revelation of an entirely different color. Gone was the beautiful golden glow that usually surrounded the angels, to be replaced by something Paul was having trouble fathoming.

The angel lowered his eyes in shame. He kept waiting for God’s hand to reach through the roof of the stable and snatch him Home until he could get his head on straight. Monica was going through the worst time in her existence and here he was proclaiming to Paul that he was in love with her.

"Listen Andrew, maybe you need to take a little walk and clear your head. I’ll check on Monica and make sure she is all right, but if you are talking about putting anymore distance between the two of you right now, you and I are going to be spending a good bit of time down here." Paul’s voice was stern and did not allow for any argument.

Andrew shook his head and gave a slight shrug. "Don’t worry. Even as afraid as I am of her seeing through me, I don’t think I have it in me to pull back. Hell, just coming down here to talk to you was an effort."

"Glad to hear it. I have no idea what the Man Upstairs has in mind for you, but I learned from the best that it’s always a good idea to go along with it and trust Him to tell you what to do."

*****

Andrew took Paul’s advice and decided that a brief walk would be the best thing he could do for himself. There were fluffy clouds overhead, but the sun occasionally peeked out, warming him inside and out. His heart was in such turmoil but he knew that he had to get it under control or else Monica would start asking questions. Paul was right. If he changed the way he acted around her she was sure to think that it was because his feelings for her had changed because of what had happened to her. Of course his feelings had changed, but not the way she would fear, although telling her exactly how would probably scare her just as much.

"Father," he started talking as he wandered across the field and down to the woods. "I don’t know what it is I’m feeling, or why I’m feeling it, but You do. The last thing I want to do is hurt her, Father. Please, if You can’t take these new emotions back, please don’t let her see them… not now… not until she’s stronger." In his heart Andrew was wondering if she would ever be strong enough to learn about how his feelings were changing. He could only pray that if she ever did that it wouldn’t frighten her and destroy the special relationship that they had shared for so many years.

Chapter 11

Another week passed and Alex, Paul and Andrew watched as Monica slowly crawled her way to where she’d been prior to the mock trial. They were all thankful that at least it was faster than it had taken her the first time. She only spent two days closed up in her room before she began venturing to the rest of the house again, and meals weren’t the struggle that they had been before, though it was obvious that she didn’t enjoy eating the way she once had. The only thing that didn’t seem to improve was her sleeping.

The night of the mock trial she woke up screaming in the middle of the night, and it was all Andrew could do to calm her. She had refused to give in to her fears by making him leave, but the way she fought him as the nightmare took hold made him wonder if his presence was harming or helping. She had been trying to wean herself from the sleeping pills, but that night it took two more to get her back to sleep after she finally calmed enough to even speak.

She still insisted that she was going to testify at the trial although Alex tried to convince her not to go through with it. The younger agent’s words fell on deaf ears, as she had almost known they would. She and Monica had grown closer, even taking walks around the farm, and watching sappy movies together, but Alex knew that in the long run Monica would always put innocents in front of herself, even when everyone was telling her she didn’t have to.

"Bad night?" Alex asked as she watched Andrew leave Monica’s room, rubbing a hand across his face and through his hair.

"What? Oh… no… well, no worse than usual. She dropped off pretty fast, and she only woke up once."

"Think she’s in the mood for breakfast?"

"I think so… she didn’t even remember waking up in the middle of the night, so she’s pretty calm this morning. Where’s Paul this morning?"

"He ran into town to get some groceries."

Andrew held up Monica’s empty pill bottle. "Do you think he remembered to refill her prescription?"

Alex’s brow furrowed as she took the bottle. "She’s finished them already?"

The angel looked upset, but also slightly defensive. "They’re the only things that get her to sleep," he said, more sharply than he intended to. Alex looked taken aback and he softened his features as he continued. "I know she shouldn’t keep taking them, Alex, but how can I just take them away? She has little enough that gives her comfort these days."

"I know, but Andrew, these aren’t good for her in the long run."

"Do you just think you could give Paul a ring on his cell and tell him to pick them up? I already called in the refill yesterday."

Alex sighed and turned around. "I’ll tell him. Breakfast’ll be on the table in about fifteen minutes. I can make up a tray if she doesn’t want to eat out here."

"No, I think she’ll be out in just a few minutes. She was just getting dressed. I’ll do the same and I’ll be in to help you."

"Thanks… and about the pills… I’m sorry if--"

Andrew shook his head. "No. You’re right. It needs to stop. I’m just not sure how to tell her."

*****

When Monica joined them at the kitchen table she actually had a little smile on her face and Andrew’s heart melted when he saw it. The slightest indication that she was feeling better always made him feel a hundred times better.

"No blueberries today, Monica, but I did manage French toast," Alex said as she set a plate in front of the little angel. It was only half the amount that she herself had eaten but she still found herself hoping that Monica would be able to eat it all. The smile on her face told her that maybe she would.

"You look like you have something on your mind," Andrew said, watching some of the old spark light in her eyes.

"Well… I was wondering… maybe… Do you think we could go for a ride today? Just a short one. I promise it won’t tire me out."

Andrew and Alex shared a look of relief before Alex answered. "Of course we can! They just finished clearing the dead growth from the trail so now’s the perfect time to go." She made a mental note to call down to the barn and make sure that all of the workers stayed away. The last thing they needed was for the sight of a group of rather burly men to send Monica into a tailspin.

"When do you want to go?" Andrew asked.

"Right after breakfast?" she was quick to reply, and Andrew chuckled.

"Sounds like a perfect plan. Just like old times."

The ride seemed to do wonders for the little angel and she had even playfully challenged Alex and Andrew to a race. The blond angel’s heart had nearly burst with joy at the sight of her galloping through the fields with the wind in her hair as he hadn’t seen that side of her in what felt like years. She was still quieter, and there was still sadness in her eyes that she tried to mask, but she was smiling and for that he was grateful.

He had left her with Alex to finish grooming the horses as he started back to the house, having noticed Paul’s car in the driveway and he didn’t want his friend worrying over where they might be. The agent had been watching Monica subtly like a big brother and his trained eyes took in every improvement that the little angel showed. Andrew had been thankful for both Paul and Alex’s dedication the last few weeks and neither agent showed a desire or need to head back into the city to work. He had a feeling that would not come until the trial and its aftermath.

"Hey buddy," Paul greeted him as he saw Andrew come in the back door, "The girls down at the stable?"

A grin spread across Andrew’s face as he nodded, "Monica wanted to go for a ride. I think it did her the world of good."

Paul looked both surprised and pleased, "We’re getting her back, Andrew, one day at a time. She’s come this far; she’ll make it through the trial too."

Andrew had his doubts about that part of it, but he nodded his head just the same, "Did Alex call you about refilling her prescription?"

Paul sighed before he turned from unpacking the groceries to face the angel, "Yeah, Andrew, she did, but I didn’t refill them."

"What are you talking about, Paul? She isn’t sleeping without them-."

"Because for all we know she has developed an addiction to them," Paul stated firmly, crossing his arms over his chest. "She needs to start coming off of them, buddy and we have all had this chat with her, but as long as they are available to her, she is going to continue to take them."

Andrew was torn between knowing Paul was right and anger over him making this decision for Monica, "She has had enough control taken from her, Paul."

"I know and I’ve thought about all that, but these are quickly becoming out of her control as well, whether they sit beside her bed or are not in the house at all. Yes, she needed them at first, but you’ve said yourself that her nights are getting better. She hates feeling like she needs them to sleep, but she can’t control herself enough not to take them. She’ll confront this, Andrew, just like she has everything else."

Andrew gave a stiff nod of his head, "I know you’re right, but I’m just not sure of what her reaction will be to this decision being made for her."

"I’ll take full responsibility and will tell her tonight. I don’t want her worrying about sleeping all day today if she is in a good mood," He looked up as he heard laughter coming from the porch and he smiled, "And it sounds like she is."

"Hey, you’re home," Alex smiled as she and Monica came in the back door and she moved to lay a greeting on his lips.

"Sure am and how are my two favorite girls this morning?" He wrapped his arm around his wife, and with his other hand reached out to touch the angel’s cheek.

"You missed a lovely ride," Monica informed him as she moved to help unpack and put away the groceries.

"So Andrew was telling me. Maybe you’ll have to owe me one this afternoon," He grinned, thinking that tiring out the little angel might not be a bad idea in order for her to be able to sleep tonight.

"I could be persuaded," She replied, shooting a grin at him over her shoulder.

Andrew’s lips twitched at her light mood, praying that it would not be destroyed tonight when Paul broke the news to her, "So what do you all want to get into today?"

"Monica and I have already planned a movie fest, and you two are welcome to join us providing there is no bitching about our choices," Alex informed them, a hint of mischief in her eyes. "Angels are seriously deprived when it comes to entertainment, so now that we have time, I’m making her watch all my favorites."

Paul rolled his eyes playfully, "I’m afraid to even ask. Maybe Andrew and I should just split a six pack out on the porch."

"I thought you liked old movies," Andrew remarked, shooting an amused look at the agent.

"I do, but these aren’t just old movies. These are Alexandra’s favorites," He managed to move out of the way of her punch over the use of her given name, "And her favorites are chick flicks. Judy Garland musicals, Little Women, just to name a few. Then she walks around the house humming the songs from some of the them for the next few days until I feel like I’ve watched it all over again."

"You said you liked them," Alex turned to face him with her hands on her hips.

Grinning, he held a finger to her lips, "Baby, shhh, you’re destroying my tough guy image."

Andrew chuckled as he watched the exchange between them, something in his heart feeling envious of their relationship. Yes, he shared something very similar with the angel who was watching them with a smile on her pretty face, and he also knew or rather, hopefully knew that he and Monica would be together for all of eternity. Yet it was different being tied together by a promise blessed by God.

"So, are you watching or not?" Alex countered, eyeing her husband skeptically.

He groaned and looked over at Andrew, "What’s the verdict, buddy? Are we being sucked in?"

The angel looked over at Monica and saw the hopeful expression on her face. He had been sucked in all right, hook, line and sinker, "I’m in. I may even enjoy it, especially since the company is so good."

"Betrayed," Paul retorted, "Not only by another man, but an angel. Isn’t there a rule against that someplace?"

A small giggle escaped Monica as she shook her head, "I don’t recall anything about movies in God’s word, so I think you may be out of luck, Paul."

The sound of her giggle was like music to his ears, "Well, I’m at least fixing the snacks. Nice, manly snacks…"

"And which favorite of yours would that be, honey?" Alex grinned as she gazed up at him, "The apple slices with caramel, or the vegetable pizza?"

*****

The afternoon passed quickly and everyone was so full of snack food that dinner wound up being salad that Monica volunteered to make. Andrew had stopped counting how many times he caught her smiling, and for the first time he felt that she was really going to be all right. Paul was watching her carefully as well, but each smile or giggle went through him like a knife. He was dreading the night, and nearly made another trip out to the store to get the pills.

Alex’s reaction had not helped. She had been one of the first to say that Monica needed to stop taking the pills, but she objected to the cold-turkey approach and was more than annoyed that he had taken it upon himself to make that decision. Even a playful kiss had failed to soften the hard look in her eyes. Now he was standing outside Monica’s door, hesitant to knock. He did not want to have this conversation, but a deal was a deal, and Andrew had just tag-teamed him in the living room, announcing that the little angel was ready for bed.

"Come in," he lilting voice called out as soon as he knocked.

"All set in here?" he asked as he opened the door and saw her sitting up in bed, leaning against the pillows.

"Mm-hmm. It was a good day," she answered, looking pleased.

"Yep, it definitely was. Let’s hope for a lot more just like them."

Despite everything she had been through, Monica was still adept at picking up on other people’s emotions, and right now the emotion rolling off of Paul was anxiety. "What’s wrong?" she asked, silently praying that it had nothing to do with the trial.

Paul shoved his hands in his pockets as he paced at the foot of her bed, finally coming to a rest near her feet. "All right… I’m not very good at beating around the bush, so I’m going to come right out and tell you."

Her eyes grew wide as she took on some of his worry. "Wh-what is it?"

The sight of her face made Paul mentally kick himself and he rushed to sit down beside her on the edge of the bed. "No… sweetie, it’s nothing that horrible. I’m sorry. Damnit… I’m not very good with conflict, have you noticed? If I can’t punch it or yell at it, I’d rather not deal with it at all."

Monica looked at him, confused. "You want to yell at me?"

Paul rolled his eyes, exasperated at the poor way he was handling the situation. "Of course not, Monica." He cleared his throat. "It’s like this. You know those pills you’ve been taking to get to sleep?" When she nodded hesitantly, he continued, "Well, Andrew told me to refill the prescription today… and I didn’t do it."

A knot instantly formed in her stomach. "You didn’t?"

"No… and maybe I was wrong not to… but Monica, you know you can’t just keep taking them forever…"

"I know that," she replied slowly, with a touch of defensiveness in her voice, "but… but I need them right now."

"No you don’t. You need to try going without them."

"Paul, you don’t understand. I just toss and turn and stare at the ceiling… thinking… about what happened…" her voice was beginning to get louder and Paul hoped that Andrew couldn’t hear it. "I only forget for a little while when I’m sleeping… please… is the store still open?"

"What about today? You had a good day. You were smiling and laughing with us. Didn’t that help you forget?"

"It’s not the same! When I’m here in the dark… I can’t stop thinking about it!"

"Is everything all right in here?" Paul’s fears were realized when Andrew opened the bedroom door and walked in.

"Andrew!" her voice was filled with relief. "Paul didn’t get my pills. Can you please go get them? Please?"

The blond angel gave Paul a dark look and then sat down in what had been dubbed ‘his’ chair. "It’s late, angel. The stores are closed." He paused as he looked over at Paul’s guilty expression. "And I think Paul’s right."

"No… Andrew…"

"Monica, you haven’t been having as many nightmares and you’ve been getting out more and using up your energy naturally. You shouldn’t need medication to get to sleep."

She looked like she was about to cry, but she didn’t say anything.

"I-I think I’ll leave the two of you alone," Paul said abruptly. He felt like an ass for dropping it all in Andrew’s lap but at the same time he felt that the angel would probably have better luck convincing her.

"See you in the morning, Paul," Andrew said, never taking his eyes from Monica’s face.

"Yeah… see you in the morning." The door closed with a soft click and Monica continued to stare at it.

"Monica," Andrew’s voice was soft and gentle, "what makes you think you can’t fall asleep without them? Aren’t you tired now?"

"Yesss… but when I close my eyes…"

Andrew’s throat tightened, knowing what her next words were going to be. "When you close your eyes you remember and you want that remembering time to be as short as possible."

She nodded tearfully, not trusting herself to speak.

"Even when I’m holding you?" he asked, pain striking at his heart.

Another nod and the first of her tears fell. He moved closer and pulled her into his arms holding her tightly and resting his chin on the top of her head.

"I’m sorry, angel… I wish there was some way to make you forget."

"Me too," she said in a very small voice.

"But eventually the memories will fade, angel, and I’m going to be with you until they do," he said, ‘and forever after that,’ he added in his mind. "I know it’s going to be hard for the first couple of nights, but I wouldn’t ask this of you if it wasn’t important."

"I know. And I know you’re right… you’re all right. I shouldn’t be taking them, but it’s just so hard," she sniffled, but kept her tears under control.

"We’ll take it one night at a time, angel. I’ll talk to you, I’ll read, I’ll do whatever it takes to help you fall asleep without the pills and without thinking about what happened. I want your dreams to be filled with nothing but joy, and I’m not going to stop trying until they are."

He settled back with her nestled in his arms and slowly he began to cover any safe topics he could think of. They covered past assignments, how pleased they were about Paul finding Alex, the horses, and what they thought Tess might be doing. He noticed that every time Monica closed her eyes and he thought she might be starting to drift off to sleep, something would jerk her out of sleep fifteen minutes later. Andrew tried reading, picking up where she had last left off in "The Swiss Family Robinson" and by the time he had read two chapters, she was still encountering the same problem.

By two o’clock in the morning, the older angel was nearly at his wit’s end, Monica was all but tearful and Andrew was considering looking for an all night pharmacy. He was more annoyed with the almost certain knowledge that Paul was probably sleeping peacefully.

When she woke up again, with a small cry on her lips, Andrew untangled himself from her embrace and got to his feet. Walking to the closet, he pulled out a pair of her jeans and one of the oversized shirts she still insisted upon wearing, "C’mon, angel, get dressed and meet me in the kitchen."

"Andrew…what.."

He smiled at her expression that was part exhaustion, part annoyance and part natural curiosity, "Just trust me, sweetheart," He touched her cheek lightly before leaving her, though he decided against heading even as far as to the kitchen without her. The house was dark and he didn’t want to risk her feeling frightened, so he waited patiently just outside her door until she emerged before he took her hand into his and led her to the kitchen and out on the porch.

Andrew felt her tremble slightly and he knew this was the first time she had been outside, in the dark, since that night so he moved to wrap his arm protectively around her shoulders to pull her closer.

"Where are we going?" She asked after a moment and she had reigned in as much of her fear as she possibly could, mostly due to the reassuring presence of his arm around her.

"A little moonlit ride," Andrew informed her with a tired smile as she looked up him.

"You’re tired…Andrew, I’m so sorry."

He could see the guilt in her eyes and wanted to dispel it as quickly as he could, "Don’t be silly, angel. You have nothing to be sorry for," He was looking forward to spending some time alone with her when she wasn’t sleeping.

She watched as he saddled up Scout before he lifted her up onto the horse and climbed up behind her, waiting until she had nestled back into his arms before urging Scout out of the stable. He was content to just allow the horse to walk through the field, one hand on the reigns and the other around the little angel’s waist. Her head was resting back against his shoulder, her hair lightly brushing against her chin.

Monica’s expression was remarkably peaceful and as she remained quiet, it was giving him ample opportunity to enjoy the look on her face and to watch her eyes as they took in the full moon that lit their way. She was by far the most amazing creature he had ever encountered, either human or angelic and he felt the forbidden feeling rising up within his heart once more. There was nothing he would not do for her, both in regards to her healing as well as for the rest of eternity. He knew in his heart that though she was doing better on the outside, inwardly she was still possessing some of the same feelings she had voiced to him and he hated those feelings nearly as much as he hated the man who had caused them. He only wished he had a way to show her just how truly beautiful and innocent she was and how she touched his heart each and every day.

As they continued to ride for the better part of an hour, he smiled as he watched her eyes slowly slide shut in sleep, her face turning slightly towards him. He knew that if she hadn’t woken by the time they reached the stable, then the chances were good that she would sleep through what was left of the night and he offered up a hopeful prayer and God consented.

"Where have you been?" Paul asked in a hushed whisper, not wanting to awaken the sleeping angel that Andrew was cradling in his arms. He was standing in the kitchen, looking slightly annoyed as he had opened the back door to let Andrew inside.

"Riding and as you and I are in this together, buddy, Scout needs a quick rubdown," He shot a wink at his friend as Paul ran a weary hand through his hair.

"She had a rough night, I take it," He remarked, feeling another stab of guilt over the decision he had made the previous morning.

"Yes, but she is sleeping now and I’m not about to leave her. I told Scout you would be on your way," He turned to head down the hallway to Monica’s room, chuckling softly at the annoyed mumbles that were escaping Paul.

He was careful in laying the little angel down on her bed and then covering her with the blanket and he held his breath as he took his place next to her and she stirred slightly. But it was only long enough to snuggle closer to him in sleep, her arm stretched across his waist and her head tucked beneath his shoulder. He watched her for several more minutes and then, convinced she would not awaken, he allowed himself to sleep.

*****

Andrew was awoken far too early by a shaking of his shoulders that could only be coming from Tess. Groggily, he opened his eyes and managed a sleepy smile, "You’re back."

"Yes, I am, baby, and we need to talk. Paul and Alex are already in the kitchen. I know you two had a long night last night, so try not to wake her. She is going to need her rest in the event she has some conflicting emotions about what she will soon find out."

Andrew was completely awake immediately, "Tess, what are you talking about?" He cast a glance down at the sleeping angel, his expression laden with worry.

"I’ll explain it all as soon as you join us, Angel Boy," She gave his shoulder a squeeze and then left the room.

Andrew moved with painstaking slowness in order to not wake Monica. She had scarcely moved for the few hours she had been asleep and he chalked it up as another victory for her, but now Tess was here with some kind of news that had to pertain to the little angel and he couldn’t get out there fast enough.

He kissed Monica’s cheek before he left the room, closing the door behind him in the event whatever Tess had to tell him might cause him to get loud. He hated feeling that way, but the mere thought of anything endangering the progress Monica had made was enough to make his stomach churn.

When he walked into the kitchen, it was obvious that Paul and Alex had already been told the news and Andrew was quick to cut to the chase, "What’s going on?"

The threesome exchanged a glance and it was Paul who spoke up first, "Grady’s dead, Andrew."

His eyes widened at the news, feeling a flurry of emotions go through him. His first thought was that there would be no trial, while his second thought of wishing he had been the one to kill him quickly overshadowed his first thought. Then angelic guilt set in regarding the fact that he had wished the man dead more times than he could count, "How?"

"A fight broke out last night, baby, and he was one of two casualties," Tess explained solemnly, "A few of the inmates had knives and by the time the guards had broken it up…well, it was too late for anyone to help him."

"You were there? You saw it?" Andrew was shocked.

"Yes, that’s where I went when I left last week," she answered, readying herself for Andrew’s inevitable explosion.

Paul beat him to it. "Wait a second… that’s how you know about him? You were sent to him? To help that fucking son of a bitch?" He shook off Alex’s hand as he stood up and paced the length of the kitchen. "Monica’s here suffering, barely able to make it through the night, and God sends one of His angels to help the bastard who hurt her?"

At first Tess’ expression was sympathetic, but it quickly turned stern. "Baby, you need to calm down. Yes, I was sent to him, but not to help him, not to save him, to observe."

"Observe?" Andrew sounded as outraged as his friend.

"Yes, observe. Regardless of what we all think about this man, God’s forgiveness is open to all, even to him."

"So you were sent to lead him to God. That bastard gets peace while there’s a little angel in the room down the hall who still thinks she’s a worthless piece of trash because of what he did to her," Paul was almost shouting, and Alex grabbed onto his hand as he passed and stopped his restless movement.

"Paul, if you would calm down and listen for a minute, maybe I could tell you what I was doing there," Tess voice showed her growing impatience, and Paul wisely made the effort to contain himself. "Forgiveness was open to William Grady if he asked for it, but God did not send me to him to help him find his way. God doesn’t often pick and choose who deserves a second chance, He sends angels to those in need. This time was different. He knew what was going to happen and He sent no one to interfere or intervene. William Grady didn’t even know I was there."

"So he never asked for forgiveness?" Andrew asked, needing to know. He wasn’t sure what he wanted the answer to be. Thinking that he was unrepentant made the man much easier to hate, but he also wanted him to feel guilty for what he had done to Monica.

"No, he never did. He died a slow, painful death in his cell, cursing every man, woman and child he’d ever known. There was no angel to take him Home to God," she answered solemnly.

"Well thank Heaven for small mercies," Paul muttered. "I’m sorry, Tess. I’m sorry that I don’t think that bastards like him deserve a second chance, but I don’t. I guess that’s why I’m just a lowly human being, and He’s the Big Guy," he said angrily as he pointed his thumb towards the ceiling.

"Paul…" Alex warned.

Tess reached over and covered the younger agent’s hand with hers. "It’s all right, Alex. Paul has every right to feel the way he does. Lord knows, I’ve been an angel for centuries upon centuries, and I still don’t always understand or agree with the things that God does. Just remember, Paul, God’s ways are His own, and known only to Him. You may not understand them, but you need to respect them."

"Yeah, I know. Any rules about liking them?"

"Nope, go right ahead. That’s all part of free will," she said with a wink.

"What about free will?" All eyes turned to see Monica walking into the kitchen. She was wrapped up in a heavy robe and still appeared to be half asleep.

"Monica, come sit down. We’ve got some news," Andrew said as he pulled her chair out.

"Tess! You’re back!" she exclaimed, as she realized that her supervisor was seated at the table. Her excitement quickly faded at the sight of the serious expression on the older angel’s face. "Wait… what’s wrong? Is this about the pills? I swear, Tess… I didn’t take any last night and I know I was a lot of trouble, but I did sleep for a few hours I think."

Paul and Andrew both looked guilty as Tess replied, "Pills? No, baby, this doesn’t have anything to do with that, and I’m sure you weren’t any trouble at all."

"What is it then?" she asked as she sat down.

"The man who attacked you… he died last night at the jail," Tess said simply, not wanting to increase Monica’s agitation by drawing it out.

"He… he died?" The words seemed to stick in her throat. "He’s dead?" She thought about the hundreds of times she had wished him dead; nearly as many as she had wished herself dead.

"There was a fight and he got hurt," Paul said, watching as the color drained from her face.

"He’s dead." She repeated the words again. They sounded strange to her ear, as if they weren’t real words, or if they were they certainly couldn’t mean what she thought they did.

"Yes, angel. He’s gone. He can’t hurt you or anyone else, ever again," Andrew said quietly, resting his hand lightly on her leg.

"But… but the trial… and the jury…" Monica looked around, as if these obvious facts should have occurred to all of them. It couldn’t just be over like that. There had to be more. How could it be over when she still felt like there was a dark hole deep inside?

"There isn’t going to be a trial," Alex answered. She understood why Monica wouldn’t be overjoyed to hear about Grady’s death. It was over for him, but for her the pain continued on just the same.

The sound of Monica pushing back her chair seemed overly loud, and the little angel grimaced slightly. "I think I’m going to go lie down again," she said softly. "I… I didn’t really get much sleep last night." Her voice sounded hollow and forlorn and Andrew’s own heart ached at the sound of it. She moved to leave the room and then turned her head slightly, asking, "What was his name?"

Alex swallowed hard and squeezed Paul’s hand before answering, "William Grady."

A slight nod was the Irish angel’s only response, and a minute later they heard her door quietly close.